while looking off into the distance
many roads lead to me
the curious may travel to catch a glimpse
and revel in my history
they’ll never quite understand what i’ve seen
I was once called a narcissist. Unbelievable coming from a 30+ years old friend.
I do understand what a narcissist is now, as I lived with one for 18 years. It happened to be my mother. I also know that I have been influenced by her behavior which in turn could lead me to mimic it at times. Understanding who she was and the impressions she left, forced me to look at myself diligently. There are many articles and so much information about this personality type. All of which I feel the need to read, to this day. Fear of becoming her is the biggest motivator. I’m ensuring I do not ever become the worst of who my mother was.
Bottom line, that ex-friend was full of shit. She was deflecting because, in reality, the narcissist in our relationship was her. I had basically traded one unhealthy relationship for another. A knee-jerk reaction, just reaching out for what was familiar. And it took me forever to figure that out.
Knowing what a narcissist is now has helped me understand why I have allowed so many others over the years with the same tendencies to become friends with me. They enmeshed themselves in my life so effortlessly only to watch as they abruptly and harshly disappointed me. They left some deep marks.
All have been hard lessons.
Needless to say, I work hard now at not repeating history.
The fire in you warms me.
My coolness keeps you from burning to a crisp.
Manage my happiness!
But my needs are subject to your approval.
Navigating your ego is treacherous.
Peace and quiet, no conflict!
There’s no room for mine.
It’s cold and lonely next to you.
What to do, to break through?
Let me in.
I hurt because of you.
Then I died.
You deserved better.
I know that now.
Please forgive me.