*deep sorrowful sigh
I’m sorry. So, so sorry.
I didn’t succeed in saving you from your fate.
You’re broken now. The trust is gone, and so are your reserves. Your faith in love is shattered. It seems utterly unbelievable to have made it to this place of darkness. But you’re here now… and I’m hurting with you, dearest.
Oh pain, please just go away! Leave him alone. The agony is too much for tender shoulders to bear. Ease up… I beg you.
You’ll get through this, people say. It doesn’t feel like that when you’re in the thick of it though. But know this… I’m here till the tears stop rolling, the deep ache subsides and the reality of moving on alone becomes easier to accept. Whatever you need, love… I promise.
I’m here for you. Always.
*Originally published on PhiloSusi 4/17/16
You got close to me in a way I’d never felt before.
Your sensual touch took my breath away.
Your fingers left a trail of goosebumps down every bit of my body.
You bathed me in love and surrounded me with comfort.
Your kisses left me weak and all in.
We played well for years.
We fought the world and won.
We ensured the next generation felt loved.
We made a home.
We had joy.
They looked in and saw happiness.
They were envious.
They felt we got love right.
They tried to catch our affection.
They wished they were us.
I was missing the love.
I felt bereft.
I ached for you.
I waited for you.
I wanted you still.
She insinuated herself into our love.
She was bright, shiny and new.
She was trouble.
She got in our way.
She destroyed us.
He saw my worth.
He proclaimed his desire.
He soothed my pain.
He eased my tears.
He was my friend.
It forced honesty.
It helped me find understanding.
It propelled me into a new reality.
It changed me.
It saved me.
Me, I got a lot of work to do.
Me, figuring things out.
Me, facing all my demons.
Me, fighting for myself.
Me, getting it all right.
Us, starting again.
Us, hurting all over to fix our love.
Us, going forward and taking two steps back.
Us, loving each other anyway.
Us, doing it together.
Jason and Ian, my precious babies.
Motherhood meant striving to give them the best of me they were deserving of then realizing they were rewarding me with more value than I had to offer.
Years of moments – delicious, frustrating, hurt, joyful, enlightening, spontaneous, fun, sad – quickly turned both into young men. Adults venturing out into the world, and away from me.
As new chapters develop in their lives, I’m looking forward to their stories, their adventures. As they offer the world the best of themselves, may life reciprocate and give back in abundance what they so richly deserve.
***the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
are my lessons.
Sentience is my total existence.
Begin again with every lesson learned.
Try out a new skin of knowledge.
I say defiantly
Uttered with recalcitrant anger through gritted teeth; words forcefully arising out of my clenched mouth.
I’ve not let my life, situations, people or anything end me. Yet.
I grant a thank you, of sorts, to the pain played out by substandard friends, broken relationships, betrayals, nature’s force and every disturbing event determined to pierce me in my psyche.
It’s a necessary process, albeit grueling and inconvenient.
Enduring hardships becomes my opportunity to best myself.
I welcome the growth, but I do despise the adversity.
There’s no escape from struggles, or hurt and pain.
The victory gives me just enough strength for the next battle.