A Sacrificed Life

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Tote Mutter – Egon Schiele

will you remember
               rocking gently within
               being wrapped up in my womb
               my arms clutching you tenderly

will you know i loved you
               and how i cried for us
               when i couldn’t save myself
               as my death was the only way for you to live

will you grow up
                missing me
                needing me
                happy despite me being gone

will you ache
                to know who i was
                for my loving advice
                on your wedding day

will you choose to
                manage without me
                live a spectacular life
                show my sacrifice was not in vain

will you go on and be
                all that i dreamed of
                a force to be reckoned with
                even without me

Coming Full Circle

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My tender years were filled with daily harshness and critical evaluation. No wonder I grew up feeling less than someone. My mother was so very demeaning and cruel to me, making my alcoholic, absentee father resemble a saint. My life, like all others, had its own set of hurdles to overcome. I’ll be the first to admit – it was a daunting task.

In August 2012, she died in Asheville, NC at the age of 73. She was hit by a speeding truck as she was jogging home. Yes, she was jogging. The man who hit her only had one brake working on his vehicle; otherwise, I’m guessing he would have been able to stop in time. She was dead on impact but resuscitated. Still, she was brain-dead at the scene and would be until she finally expired four days later. Her heart was strong. Probably because she was a runner, that’s why it took her so long to let go. Maybe if she’d lived as unhealthily as my father, she would have died within fifteen minutes like he did when we took him off the ventilator in 2014. But it doesn’t matter now. They’re both gone, and that’s not a bad thing.

This past September, I went on an excursion held in Asheville, NC. It was the first trip back since my mother had died. It was a much-needed mini-vacation and nature retreat of sorts. I got to spend some quality time with a dear friend for three days as well.  I expected some emotions to well up, but not prepared for how deeply it would affect me. Amazing how seven years later, the learned self-loathing from my past reared up its head. I thought I was past it.

During the excursion, I met so many loving and caring people. Quite different from my upbringing. One in particular – France Dormann – who connected with me right at the beginning. She had a rather emotional epiphany as we talked. She said to me, “What’s beautiful doesn’t need to disappear.” It’s not up to me to discuss the details surrounding what made this so tremendously valuable for her, but I will share why it was for me.

Her words echoed so much of what I dealt with in my childhood and even into my adulthood. What was beautiful about me did disappear for a long time. After you get told all of your childhood that you aren’t good enough, worthless, crazy, a problem child…
Well, you believe it. But not anymore. Once and for all, I realized my mother was wrong. Totally wrong. This was my take-away from what France said and what made this so beneficial for me.

After years of denigration and lack of connection, I felt as if I could finally reclaim that part of me that was worth praise and love. And oddly, I found it in the same place where the woman who lavished me with all the criticism came to die. After I had a few days to process the events, I felt lighter like an invisible weight had lifted. What is strange is I thought I’d worked through so much already, and had come to a place of peace. Obviously, not.

So much healing took place on this trip. The bonus being I was within arm’s reach of so many wonderful and supportive people. I cannot tell you how many tears I shed and how many meaningful hugs I received, but it was enough to wash away the sins of the mother who had inflicted a tremendous amount of torment on her daughter. And for that, I’m grateful for the torrent of tears and the love of my friends. My past will no longer own me.

Mind Mama

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Wikipedia

Inspired by “FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION” Challenge! PATIENCE!

Daughter – Are we done yet?
in a minute

But I want to go now!
in a minute

Son – Seriously, this is boring! Let’s go!
in a minute

Put the baby down, time to nap.
in a minute

Daughter – Mom, mom, look at me!!
in a minute

Son – We can’t take much more of this! Let’s leave!
in a minute

Baby – Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah (hungry)
in a minute

Artist – Voila’! Picture perfect family! Thank you for your patience.

MomI’m seriously going to fall apart!
in a minute

 

 

 

Elite Reproduction

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ABC7News

Inspired by BrewNSpew – Word of the Week – 5/13/19

Hear ye! Hear ye!
The latest aristocrat has arrived!

Born to a noble station, this lad
will want for nothing except
maybe a little less fame.

All births are precious,
though royalty gets international praise
for squeezing another out.

Paparazzi delights
in another grand subject
added to the elite lineage.

The hoi polloi froth
with the news of this birth.
More gossip to be had about the royal icons.

All this attention
for something women have been
doing since the beginning of time.

This latest effort of reproduction exalted
leaving the average woman wondering,
“where’s my publicity?”

 

Victories

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Ash D. Solomon – Lucid Being

finally tasting
what it means to be proud
of myself
it took too many years
for me to be free
from the contempt
the shame
your shame
forced on me
always making me feel smaller
than you were
knocking me down
me losing my identity
giving up my right to believe in myself

what a horrible mother you were
damn you

treading water
for years
wasted years
of frustration and tears
pushing hard
to break barriers
and maintain
sure would have been easier
knowing my value

you were supposed to be on my side
damn you

did it without you
lived an honorable, scarred life
healed all the wounds
inside and out
ups and downs
gains with each effort
failure was not
an option
because

you weren’t ever my safety net
damn you

me
now
so much better than what was
my time has come
achieving my greatness
feeling good in my skin
owning the center
whole, and comprehending peace
it raises me above your pettiness
and your disgusting competition
finally

damn girl, 
so proud of you

My Inheritance

mutti

A lifetime of difficulties landed hard.
Years of sadness, extremes, and bullshit highs.
Insecurities abounded and chaos prevailed.
Welcome to my world.

I was educated on “What will the people think?” stability.
Happy, healthy home – yeah, that was an illusion.
Inconsistent love led to inward rage,
me only always wanting to run away.

Her generation’s dysfunction and the ones before were handed down.
The family poison designed to slowly kill your mind over time.
But she never counted on me fighting hard for my sanity.
I wouldn’t accept this lame gift fraught with pain.

So I cut ties and let her go.
It helped to put up clearly marked boundaries.
I could finally breathe.
I rose above the insanity to find my peace.

Then she died.
The drama spanning generations ceased.
My inheritance was freedom.
Something she never experienced.