Covering

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Joy feels like exposure to the harshest elements.
In showing it you become a pawn
in the game of advantage
like taken of that is.

Allowing happiness to make an appearance,
well, that’s just a sin.
“Be humble, accept things with grace,” they said.
As they shushed my feelings out of jealousy.

Feeling like a kernel doubling in size,
well, that’s just ruinous.
“Let’s not have a grandiose, public display,” they said.
As they swatted my butt out of anger.

Having intensity acknowledged on the surface,
well, that’s just suicide.
“Behave yourself!” they said.
As they locked me away with a pious vengeance.

Where did it ever get me to give a voice
to what bubbles up happy tears and excitement?
Hide your feelings, stomp them down reactions was all I ever got.
Because no one really wanted to meet the real me.

Wish List

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As we’re growing up, we continually shape and define what’s important to us. For me, this was always an easy task as I continually challenged and questioned the world around me. Consistently prioritizing and seeking fairness may be what gave me a strong drive for justice.

I recently came across something I’d written a long time ago. I may have been in my thirties at the time. Not quite sure what prompted the thoughts initially. Even though written over twenty years ago, the original statements remain the same. These are the relatively few things I think I need to stay a calm individual with others. To stay sane, well, that’s another story for another day.

My wishlist:

  • DO what you say. It speaks volumes of you as a person that I can depend on you.
  • Smile when I smile at you. It does us both good. When you are having a bad day, know that my smiles mean I care about you, and it’s meant to lift you.
  • Don’t be a liar – about ANYTHING! I appreciate honesty, above all else. If you are honest, we will always find a way through together.
  • Recognize that every individual on this planet is a human being, including yourself and deserves respect just for that fact alone, regardless of their race, religion, color, gender, sexual preference, political beliefs, or the country where they originated. Maybe then we could look forward to some of that World Peace that beauty contestants speak of during the interview segment.
  • If you can help someone when they need it – DO IT! Giving to someone in his or her hour of defeat is the best gift you can give, every time.
  • Read, learn, listen. Take every opportunity to educate yourself about your world. You are a human being who lives on this planet and in this society. Your understanding of how it works and runs contributes to it running better, for all of us.
  • Please make choices in your life that benefit you, not hurt you. ALL of us deserve a good experience on this earth. I care about you.
  • If you make a mistake or have done something wrong that causes hurt – big or small – take ownership of it, feel genuine remorse and say “I’m Sorry” like you’ll never do it again. Forgiveness feels right for both of us.

Looking at these bullet points now, it feels appropriate to expect these things of others for my well-being. But when I look at my relationships, in general, it seems to challenge people to give these most basic elements. I don’t understand why we wouldn’t want to create harmony over distress.

Then I look at it from the flip-side – am I one hundred percent doing these things for other individuals? And I have to say, no honestly. There are a couple of statements on this list that I’ve periodically had a hard time doing. I’ll leave it to you to decide where you think I’ve fallen. I will say that when I stumble, it’s because of this human ego.

All I ask is that people do their best and maybe remember to keep their ego in check. And I’ll match their efforts. At this stage in my life, I’m more determined than ever to be that person I expect others to be. Something I would never have conceived of doing in my youth.

Here’s to maturity!

Surrounded

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It’s gorgeous here in the Summer. You can’t help but feel drawn to the wide-openness of the land. When the sun shines, and I take a walk or drive to the neighboring town, being out in it brings me a sense of freedom. I’ve come to love that feeling. Holding my cup of tea, I enjoy looking at my little slice of heaven through my kitchen window every day. 

This year will mark 18 years living in Small Town, USA. The attractiveness of the land is what has kept me here. I enjoy it. On good days, I always stroll around my neighborhood to get some fresh air and sun. I appreciate the peace of my small town and the smell of the fresh wind. 

The people and their politics, not so much. I get it. Red state, red town. It’s only about 900 people who live here. And if they could stay living in the 1800s, I think they would prefer that.

I won’t lie, intermingling hasn’t gotten any more comfortable in the years since our family landed. The closed-mindedness I experience on an almost daily basis is choking most of my goodwill. The longer I’m a resident, the harder I bite my tongue – most times. Recently, though, I just had to trounce a few ill-conceived thoughts escaping out of the mouths of my neighbors. If only they would have kept them shut. It didn’t end well. I wasn’t what you would call being very neighborly.

I know things, and people change eventually, but in our little town, I think it will be later rather than sooner. I understand that it’s a lot asking them to step out of their comfort zone, or even into a headspace of progressive thinking. Sure wish they would, though. It would make living here almost perfect.

Sometimes kids are out playing in the park. Today there was a group of young boys maybe 14-15 years old out dribbling balls on the basketball court. The very first thought in my head – most likely, this is the next generation of Trump supporters. My happy brain pauses slightly, feeling surrounded by ignorance again. I forcefully shake it off me and intentionally focus on immersing myself in the wind and sun.

Life continues, and I keep walking as far away as I can get.

Presence

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Lucid Being – Ash D. Solomon

I hope it’s in me to show. And may it not be seen as arrogance.

It is a joy to meet someone with clued-in confidence or have an appearance of understanding. The bonus is to see their demeanor coupled with an in-depth genuineness about the portrayal of who they are. These characteristics of being in the world are what I aspire to emulate. Individuals with presence don’t need to take anything away from those that surround them. They are complete in their existence. 

To possess presence is to have the gift of inspiration. These encounters give us a tool to grow internally, just the same as life experiences can be our teachers. To do and be better, correct past mistakes to ensure they don’t happen again and guide us to a more secure reaction to future events, this is growth.

When people recognize this kind of presence, it’s a comfort and with it, are fluently engaged. Someone with the power to inspire, immersing themselves in higher ideals for all, imparting information, and sharing it willingly – this quality of presence does so unfailingly for the betterment of others. 

I hope it’s in me to show. 

At The Heart Of It

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the calamity
weighed down
forcing
the innards
out

revealing
wounds
unleashing
the crying girl
in the corner

where she’d long
swallowed
the grief
fear and shame
the lakes of tears

the eruption
of emotions
expanding
her chest cavity
burgeoning

so much
pain
pain
pain
and more pain

murky depths
led
to the dark matter
filling
the hole within

the rage
agitated hate
the injustice
trapped
and bubbling

the fear of implosion
imminent
the voices
of the past
scolding

an excruciating wait
for the release
from
this
hell

Liebster Award!

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I was nominated by Sadje of Keep It Alive. Thank you, dear Sadje, for thinking of me as one of your nominees. How very thoughtful! Please, everyone, take a moment to visit her blog. She is a prolific and talented writer!

I wish I had the time to follow through on the whole idea behind these types of awards but these next three weeks are crunch time for me on several different fronts. I’m incredibly honored to be nominated for this award by Sadje though and will definitely answer the questions! I’ve really enjoyed getting to know the people in our WP community with these awards and appreciate the opportunity to share a little bit of me as well.

Sadje’s Questions

Are you a serious blogger or just having fun here?

Serious as a heart attack!

What was the reason that made you start a blog?

Initially, it was to signal a change away from the previous two blogs I’d started, promote my book and have it become like an “author page” but the more I wrote, the more invested I became in expressing my thoughts. In a relatively short period of time, I wanted this to become my main repository of writing.

Take a while to think and let us know: what object that is in your reach right now, influences you? ( eg a tv)

My computer definitely because it is the conduit to so many things which touch me – the news, reading other’s thoughts, communicating directly with my friends and even getting to know new people.

How do you relax?

Good friends, good food, good beverages, and my loves.

Are you superstitious?

Nope

Loyalty to the one you love, or one who is right?

Hmmm. Loyalty to the ones I’ve committed to; they happen to be people I love and are right for me. But maybe that’s not what you were asking? In the case where the one I love is wrong about something, they still have my loyalty. I don’t think that’s being loyal to one is right, it just means I’m loyal to the truth.

How can we improve the environment of our planet? Do you take any practical steps towards it?

Improving starts with caring about the environment. I try to be practical by not wasting water, walking instead of driving as much as I can, recycle plastic bags when they are given to me, utilize reusable cloth bags when shopping, eat less meat and anything else I can do that will impact the environment less.

What is one habit you have that you or your family think is childish?

Being German, I’m loud and expressive. Well, at least that’s my excuse! 😉 My husband, although German as well, thinks that is childish since he apparently has outgrown some of his traditional behavior. LOL My children will probably tell you I dance in public too much. I’m an embarrassment to them. 🙂