we show people
who they want
for who we aren’t
it’s out of habit
so they say
damn humans, so complicated
You have to…
And then you will succeed.
Unfortunately, the blog no longer exists. I didn’t get to know Natalie well, but she was one of my favorite reads. I realize that nothing stays the same and for whatever reason, she doesn’t write anymore. It just makes me sad when blogs sometimes just fade away. I hope Natalie sees this post and knows her words touched me. This piece reminded me so much of my thoughts and feelings during the terrible teens and tumultuous 20s. They sure did leave some scars. This was originally published on August 4, 2018.
It all started as a game.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a people-watcher.
As a child, I would watch people for hours before even attempting to talk to them.
I’d scrutinize how you spoke. What you wore. When you laughed. What you liked. Whom you talked to.
I would watch and watch, try to figure out who you were. What you wanted.
And once I put together the pieces of your identity, I would form my own, making sure they clicked.
It was like a puzzle that only I could finish and it amused me to have that sort of power over you: to control exactly what you see.
But under all of that, I’d ensured that I was that girl:
The girl you want to speak to.
The girl you share all your secrets with.
The girl you like.
I flit from one person to the next, as graceful as a butterfly.
Always smiling. Always pleasing.
You come to me when you don’t have anyone else, and it’s my shoulder you cry on, it’s into my ears you whisper your darkest secrets.
I soothe. I comfort. I encourage. I motivate. I charm.
And when I’m finally alone, I laugh.
I laugh at the world, at how gullible you are, to think you know me, to trust me the way you do.
I laugh till I cry and then I cry till I can’t breathe.
The tears never end, it seems, they flow and flow relentlessly, leeching me of everything.
The real joke was on me, all along.
And I’d never realized.
I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the shadow that looks back into my eyes.
I don’t ‘like’ her.
I despise her.
I see myself wrapping my hands around her throat and squeezing until the light slowly fades from her eyes.
And then, I realize the girl is me.
The irony: I’d gained the affection of everyone else, only to realize that I couldn’t win me over too.
Alone, I’m a coward. I’m despicable. Spineless. A doormat. A hypocrite.
I morph myself to suit the people around me. My very identity is built on everyone else’s desires.
I’m no one without someone to please. Nothing without a task to complete.
And there is nothing left of ‘me’ now, of the person I could have been.
Before. Before all the masks.
When I look back, all I see is crushed dreams, and when I look forward, I see an eternity of nothingness.
But it’s what I see when I look within that truly scares me.
Underneath all my masks, I am faceless.
Joy feels like exposure to the harshest elements.
In showing it you become a pawn
in the game of advantage
like taken of that is.
Allowing happiness to make an appearance,
well, that’s just a sin.
“Be humble, accept things with grace,” they said.
As they shushed my feelings out of jealousy.
Feeling like a kernel doubling in size,
well, that’s just ruinous.
“Let’s not have a grandiose, public display,” they said.
As they swatted my butt out of anger.
Having intensity acknowledged on the surface,
well, that’s just suicide.
“Behave yourself!” they said.
As they locked me away with a pious vengeance.
Where did it ever get me to give a voice
to what bubbles up happy tears and excitement?
Hide your feelings, stomp them down reactions was all I ever got.
Because no one really wanted to meet the real me.
As we’re growing up, we continually shape and define what’s important to us. For me, this was always an easy task as I continually challenged and questioned the world around me. Consistently prioritizing and seeking fairness may be what gave me a strong drive for justice.
I recently came across something I’d written a long time ago. I may have been in my thirties at the time. Not quite sure what prompted the thoughts initially. Even though written over twenty years ago, the original statements remain the same. These are the relatively few things I think I need to stay a calm individual with others. To stay sane, well, that’s another story for another day.
Looking at these bullet points now, it feels appropriate to expect these things of others for my well-being. But when I look at my relationships, in general, it seems to challenge people to give these most basic elements. I don’t understand why we wouldn’t want to create harmony over distress.
Then I look at it from the flip-side – am I one hundred percent doing these things for other individuals? And I have to say, no honestly. There are a couple of statements on this list that I’ve periodically had a hard time doing. I’ll leave it to you to decide where you think I’ve fallen. I will say that when I stumble, it’s because of this human ego.
All I ask is that people do their best and maybe remember to keep their ego in check. And I’ll match their efforts. At this stage in my life, I’m more determined than ever to be that person I expect others to be. Something I would never have conceived of doing in my youth.
Here’s to maturity!
It’s gorgeous here in the Summer. You can’t help but feel drawn to the wide-openness of the land. When the sun shines, and I take a walk or drive to the neighboring town, being out in it brings me a sense of freedom. I’ve come to love that feeling. Holding my cup of tea, I enjoy looking at my little slice of heaven through my kitchen window every day.
This year will mark 18 years living in Small Town, USA. The attractiveness of the land is what has kept me here. I enjoy it. On good days, I always stroll around my neighborhood to get some fresh air and sun. I appreciate the peace of my small town and the smell of the fresh wind.
The people and their politics, not so much. I get it. Red state, red town. It’s only about 900 people who live here. And if they could stay living in the 1800s, I think they would prefer that.
I won’t lie, intermingling hasn’t gotten any more comfortable in the years since our family landed. The closed-mindedness I experience on an almost daily basis is choking most of my goodwill. The longer I’m a resident, the harder I bite my tongue – most times. Recently, though, I just had to trounce a few ill-conceived thoughts escaping out of the mouths of my neighbors. If only they would have kept them shut. It didn’t end well. I wasn’t what you would call being very neighborly.
I know things, and people change eventually, but in our little town, I think it will be later rather than sooner. I understand that it’s a lot asking them to step out of their comfort zone, or even into a headspace of progressive thinking. Sure wish they would, though. It would make living here almost perfect.
Sometimes kids are out playing in the park. Today there was a group of young boys maybe 14-15 years old out dribbling balls on the basketball court. The very first thought in my head – most likely, this is the next generation of Trump supporters. My happy brain pauses slightly, feeling surrounded by ignorance again. I forcefully shake it off me and intentionally focus on immersing myself in the wind and sun.
Life continues, and I keep walking as far away as I can get.
I hope it’s in me to show. And may it not be seen as arrogance.
It is a joy to meet someone with clued-in confidence or have an appearance of understanding. The bonus is to see their demeanor coupled with an in-depth genuineness about the portrayal of who they are. These characteristics of being in the world are what I aspire to emulate. Individuals with presence don’t need to take anything away from those that surround them. They are complete in their existence.
To possess presence is to have the gift of inspiration. These encounters give us a tool to grow internally, just the same as life experiences can be our teachers. To do and be better, correct past mistakes to ensure they don’t happen again and guide us to a more secure reaction to future events, this is growth.
When people recognize this kind of presence, it’s a comfort and with it, are fluently engaged. Someone with the power to inspire, immersing themselves in higher ideals for all, imparting information, and sharing it willingly – this quality of presence does so unfailingly for the betterment of others.
I hope it’s in me to show.
our allotted time
in the moments
when we expand into them
opt for significance
the crying girl
in the corner
where she’d long
fear and shame
the lakes of tears
her chest cavity
and more pain
to the dark matter
the hole within
the fear of implosion
of the past
an excruciating wait
for the release
On this day, pursue the will to have…
Make every effort to counter…
Our world would thank you for it.