Clueless

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Involved. There. With me.

Right.

So far removed from reality.

I know.

You don’t.

Still fighting the wrong things.

Proudly arrogant.

You go, boy.

You lose, boy.

Growing weary.

Moving on.

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Disparate Beings

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Our exteriors present a line of similarities.
A million influences offer up different presentations.

Variety is the spice of life. Or so they say.

Some are kind.
Or evil.
Or mean.
Or liars.

Some are immature.
Or honest.
Or hard-working.
Or decent.

Some talk openly.
Or hide.
Or cheat.
Or pretend.

Some are rude.
Or helpful.
Or giving.
Or caring.

Some are decent.
Or takers.
Or users.
Or slime.

More like butting heads with what we can’t align with.

Worth it? So many years are wasted trying.

Let’s teach our children to find the alikeness for connection, with some.

To choose the respite from the struggle of interdependence with the dissimilar.

Getting along without giving up anything that shaped us, with some.

Let’s help to create an environment of peace.

For with some, it happens.

 

Cook, Meditate, F#@k

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Pausing my distressed state, I distracted myself diving deeply into gastronomy.  Immersed and focused on fusing the flavors of carefully selected ingredients, I relished the finished product. Ingesting my creation, finding enjoyment in it, allowing a small measure of an easement to occur in my current state of dysfunction.

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The problem at hand begged for inner reflection. Waking every morning was a ritual of opening the eyes and viewing out my bedroom window, just staring at the trees and listening to the sounds of nature. Sometimes for hours. Processing, mulling over and remembering every moment of pain. What felt like agony and torture initially gradually allowed a sense of understanding to move into the grey matter.

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A deep need to release anger and frustration created a passion for a familiar act. I required the physical focus, a hungry attack on the flesh. It was an attempt at duplicating intensity, replacing pain with pleasure. And it was had.

The process helped.

I got through my trauma.

Transformed

 
Connection wanted, needed even.

Fantasies fulfilled create a warm shield of protection.

But a damaging interlude pushes itself into and through our sanctuary.

Full-on, satisfying love speeding towards being barely loyal.

Distance is welcomed, disconnection required.

Wounds need healing.

The psyches teeter, the connection as well.

Alteration, on every level, begins to occur.

 

 

Battles

 Conflict erupts, yet again. Respond or slink away?

If I stay, I face the cacophony of fieriness; I put myself in danger of being wounded.
Leave, and I’m embarrassed that I didn’t defend myself.

It’s a lose/lose scenario.

How do I represent? Why do I care? What do I gain and what is at stake?

All thoughts are firing amidst the chaos playing out in front of me. WHAT DO I DO??

The internal struggle dominates in this external battle, this the more pressing issue.

The voice deep within gets louder. WHAT DO I DO?!?!”

I hesitate, I’m crushed.
I match the tone, I’m angrier.
I fear, I lose.

The indecision is killing me. The best of us dies too.

I bloody my world.

I feel red.

It’s the anger at myself, and others who put me into the mode of having to figure it out.

I see red.

It’s the blood in my eyes. Enduring pain which colors my world dismal.

I embody red.

It’s the cloak of shame I wear. Every quarrel, every struggle with you, every time.

It’s time to think clearly. This cycle of pain needs to stop. NOW!

A birthing of insight emerges. It must, or I lose myself.

My being, this drama, it needs to face this human. Challenge Level 100.

I respond with the face of who I am, who I protect and who I must love first.

This being here – me – is constant. My humanity is the battle worth having.