while you are playing at living
she creates a life
bold realness
versus attempting a performance
sad, little man
fraudulent and disingenuous
while she’s real
you’re under a cover
to hide your petite emotional stature
your true nature
one which will never blossom
to magnificence
a waste of skin and body parts
Inspired by Reena’s Exploration Challenge #124
fear-mongering from infancy
forcing acceptable behaviors
through mental scars
morals etched in deep
with vivid stories
petrifying children into submission
the fairy tales last forever
in the minds
of impressionable children
the morals passed on
lurid and shocking
mean to stifle and suppress
the stories
a warning
of unacceptability
it’s a wonder how we managed to grow up at all
the calamity
weighed down
forcing
the innards
out
revealing
wounds
unleashing
the crying girl
in the corner
where she’d long
swallowed
the grief
fear and shame
the lakes of tears
the eruption
of emotions
expanding
her chest cavity
burgeoning
so much
pain
pain
pain
and more pain
murky depths
led
to the dark matter
filling
the hole within
the rage
agitated hate
the injustice
trapped
and bubbling
the fear of implosion
imminent
the voices
of the past
scolding
an excruciating wait
for the release
from
this
hell
coloring outside the lines
from early on
disciplined often
she didn’t play well with others
rebellious and obnoxious
loud and proud
seeking attention
needing to be heard
she found the majority
were not her clan
so proud to be dissentient
always doing things her way
mostly on the outside
peering in
headstrong and defiant
a breed born of dysfunction
but she was strong and capable
a mover and shaker
mystifying the competition
finding her peace anyway
“I will never have children and I will never get married” she exclaims.
did it anyway
never should have said never
two unions, two loves
These words found at Fractal Enlightenment were a powerful reminder to me that I don’t always feel this way. Believing those words can be difficult when life drags me to dark places sometimes. Especially that last bit – deserving to be loved. It still pisses me off that situations in my past contribute to that feeling. Shitty parenting being the crux of it. My parents didn’t know how to do it right. They’re gone, and I’m still here. The aftermath of that was up to me to heal.
For the most part, I’m ok. Actually, better than just ok. My life is good and most of my moments are too. I’ve made sure to surround myself with people who ground me. Now, I just need to feel the words of this meme more days than not.
I guess working this out is a part of life’s journey.
The lessons landed later in life
I found all that was required
was to return to me
I don’t let anyone lead me
won’t follow, won’t kowtow
I realized my independence
discovered my uniqueness
understood my sovereignty
finally knew my place
and found peace in the recognition of me
The more we live
the more we hurt
first wound aching
underneath all the others
fresh one opening
creating a new tear
on the multitudes existing
Layers of lessons
waiting for a new danger
scars prickling in response
to a red flag waving
our nerves insisting on caution
our bowels all a jumble
preparing to hesitate
Safety beckons
but life still calls
ripe for a new adventure
pushing the previous pain down
putting flesh-colored bandaids
on the wounds
knowing the risks could be worth it
hoping for pain-free days
there’s always something
out of whack
emotional
physical
mental
or external
and we must
adapt to it
lest we succumb
it’s a waiting game
until
the next thing
goes wrong
throwing us
out of kilter again
balance is really
wobbling
minimally
while feeling
some joy
and less pain
Pushed over the edge.
Waves of emotions coursing.
Tears flow unlocking the deep hurts.
Loud yells projected to match the pain.
Feelings challenged. Resolutions sought. This torture ends now.
Distancing from the anger, the fear and the abysmal. Letting it go.
Choosing peace, choosing harmony, choosing growth.
Deep relaxation and openness stage a presence.
Self-soothed in this self-connection.
Manifesting healing.
