coloring outside the lines
from early on
disciplined often
she didn’t play well with others
rebellious and obnoxious
loud and proud
seeking attention
needing to be heard
she found the majority
were not her clan
so proud to be dissentient
always doing things her way
mostly on the outside
peering in
headstrong and defiant
a breed born of dysfunction
but she was strong and capable
a mover and shaker
mystifying the competition
finding her peace anyway
“I will never have children and I will never get married” she exclaims.
did it anyway
never should have said never
two unions, two loves
These words found at Fractal Enlightenment were a powerful reminder to me that I don’t always feel this way. Believing those words can be difficult when life drags me to dark places sometimes. Especially that last bit – deserving to be loved. It still pisses me off that situations in my past contribute to that feeling. Shitty parenting being the crux of it. My parents didn’t know how to do it right. They’re gone, and I’m still here. The aftermath of that was up to me to heal.
For the most part, I’m ok. Actually, better than just ok. My life is good and most of my moments are too. I’ve made sure to surround myself with people who ground me. Now, I just need to feel the words of this meme more days than not.
I guess working this out is a part of life’s journey.
The lessons landed later in life
I found all that was required
was to return to me
I don’t let anyone lead me
won’t follow, won’t kowtow
I realized my independence
discovered my uniqueness
understood my sovereignty
finally knew my place
and found peace in the recognition of me
The more we live
the more we hurt
first wound aching
underneath all the others
fresh one opening
creating a new tear
on the multitudes existing
Layers of lessons
waiting for a new danger
scars prickling in response
to a red flag waving
our nerves insisting on caution
our bowels all a jumble
preparing to hesitate
Safety beckons
but life still calls
ripe for a new adventure
pushing the previous pain down
putting flesh-colored bandaids
on the wounds
knowing the risks could be worth it
hoping for pain-free days
there’s always something
out of whack
emotional
physical
mental
or external
and we must
adapt to it
lest we succumb
it’s a waiting game
until
the next thing
goes wrong
throwing us
out of kilter again
balance is really
wobbling
minimally
while feeling
some joy
and less pain
Pushed over the edge.
Waves of emotions coursing.
Tears flow unlocking the deep hurts.
Loud yells projected to match the pain.
Feelings challenged. Resolutions sought. This torture ends now.
Distancing from the anger, the fear and the abysmal. Letting it go.
Choosing peace, choosing harmony, choosing growth.
Deep relaxation and openness stage a presence.
Self-soothed in this self-connection.
Manifesting healing.
It’s the place underneath the obvious.
I wanna go deep.
Time to overcome this unease.
I wanna be still.
To excise the superficial, project the truth.
I wanna be real.
To let the music carry me on its wings.
I wanna feel free.
Reveal the tenderness and compassion buried in my pain.
I wanna be me…
I wanna to be happy.
Life
Such a
delicate
process diving
inward to discover what lies dormant.
I feel the incessant battles of internal opposing forces.
My personal war.
Feelings clashing, emotions raging, peace alluding me.
Rational thoughts tip-toe in intermittently.
It’s a daily challenge,
every minute of every day.
Seeking tranquility in the chaos, hoping for a forced equilibrium.
But usually tossed about by my innate human nature.
Developing intentional maturity gains me some stability,
slow and teetering baby steps in the direction of wisdom.
Age and experience lend a hand, slowing down the urge to take up arms.
Fed up or just tired and weary?
The beginning of acceptance or true insight?
Not really sure.
The continual striving for harmony during this brief stint.
A life well-lived; I hope.
With death comes peace, ending a lifetime of struggle.
Balancing the scales.
I will not know it though.
Sure doesn’t seem fair.
