has life
gotten
on my last nerve
let me check
am I still here
wallowing
do I really
want to know
what life means to me
or am I done
with feeling
empty emotions
and fickle people’s
trying attempt
at connection
that misses
every.damn.time
to engage
i fear i’m done
tenuous relationships
status quo reaching critical mass
exposure is lethal
tossed about by unfurled emotions
being where you dare not feel
but the meltdown is imminent
not sure what to do
not sure how to reach out
not sure who to trust
not even myself
I know that I have a need to let music embody me for enjoyment. It’s also a distraction for loneliness or wanting to feel nostalgic about a memory. And sometimes just headbanging intensely with a good AC/DC tune is good for the soul. There are quite a few artists that I like and for so many different reasons. My tastes run a wide berth, and across all time and genres.
Reflecting on my teenage years, I realize I used music quite heavily to navigate some of the emotional chaos in my life at that time. Shaking off the demons accompanied by music was quite cathartic for me then. In my youth, whenever I required a release of pent up emotions, I’d turn on the record player. My go-to album was Genesis – A Trick of the Tail. I’d start by playing the song Ripples and let all the deep, sobbing emotions rise to the top as I simultaneously cried and sang out all the angst. A sort of purge, if you will. Next came A Trick of the Tail to set my mind on a path of a take-charge, purposeful freedom. Lastly, Los Endos to take all the heartfelt emotions which erupted with the first song, allowing them to build again into a fever pitch of strength and control. Feeling them explode with the crescendo of the song, emerging spent and empty, that was the goal and what saved me from going deeper inside. This was my process when living became all too much. It allowed me to escape from my own destruction. And kept me from being committed.
It’s interesting that I find peace and quiet are what I relish most being a grownup. But maybe tapping into such a focused release might do me some good in my older years too.
I bleed emotions
onto a computer screen
and occasionally on paper;
I’m pouring out in pixels and ink.
What do you do for your sanity?
appreciate your moments
as they come and go
big, small
long, short
dreadful, wonderful
exciting, fearful
sad, happy
joyful, excruciating
embarrassing, bold
empowering, wrecked
lonely, connected
engaged, boring
lazy, determined
awake, asleep
agitated, peaceful
sane, reckless
cherish them all
when one day, they’ll just go
my past returns
up in my future
like hot juice
down my throat
it burns
this becomes something else
tainted and wrong
desperate attempts
at rising above
at feeling less defiled
sullied and broken
once again
first time, shame on him
second time, shame on me
a third time won’t happen
We all feel. We just don’t experience the same feelings.
Susi Bocks
Our DNA tells us we come from a past of leaning into our impulses. Where combats and aggression were a part of the natural order. It is an instinct to survive. We were animals; we still are. It’s how humans are classified – Kingdom – Animalia, Genus – Homo, Species – H. sapiens.
But we aren’t animalistic anymore. Or are we? How often have we run into people who treat others with a “You get what you get, deal with it?” , “Fight or die” or “Fuck you, I got mine?” operating mentality? Having evolved is the reason we seem to have a conscience and a brain. Doesn’t that mean we should treat each other better? I want to believe that the majority on this planet don’t give into their base animal instincts and behave reasonably acceptable in our society. But then I watch the news or review social media. It’s not pretty. And then I think about my behavior. How do I react to people and certain circumstances? I’d like to think I’m not stuck in that gear of just instinct. But if I’m honest, I have to say I do sometimes respond with some of that piss and vinegar.
When I reflect on who I want to be, my wish is to emulate and radiate loving, nurturing behavior all the time. But being the descendant of a long line of beings running on basic instinct means that I realize that it takes effort and a desire to feel opposite of my nature. Sometimes the motivation isn’t there. Especially not in the face of belligerence. My capacity for understanding tells me my initial reaction might be to behave like an animal but also that I can make a conscious decision to not give in to that instinct. It does, however, require a commitment on my part every time my instinctual reaction rears its ugly head. We may be animals, still, but being in possession of a brain which has progressed and is armed with a conscience, it should not predispose me to act animalistic. We are capable of rising above our natural tendencies. And we understand that. But we have to want to be more than what our past dictates.
You can only change what you know, right?
this rage pouring forth
an explicit emotion
directed at you
another heartache
the drama du jour
feels like the crisis of a lifetime
pounded down by hardship again
residing in a personal hell
oh, what a fresh hot mess
it’s a life-long process
a roller coaster of emotions
learning to traverse the pain
facing the trepidation
yet again, overcoming the angst
the release must come
a torrential outpour
of pooled fear
a flood of wet anxiety
thin, clear lines of human sap
so many streams of liquid frustration
until it finishes
after the purge feeling
lost and light-headed
slightly dazed
still riding the after-shocks
mostly exhausted
hope blossoms again
it’s the duty of tears
they lay the groundwork
for repair
to an injured psyche
needing to become rational again
