Whispering Gratitude

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one last time
a slow stroll
rising up the stairs
feeling the worn railing
under my hands
gliding on the smoothness
of years waxed
with the oils of progeny

peering into the empty bedrooms
faintly hearing the cacophony
of my giggling girls
from ancient slumber parties
the distant laughter
echoing in the corners
what the walls have heard
of childhood secrets

turning to the future
gently placing one foot
down in front of the other
thank you, safe haven
i’ll treasure the memories
as one last sigh escapes
and one tear travels down
i say goodbye

 

 

I Won’t Tell You “I Told You So”

*deep sorrowful sigh

I’m sorry. So, so sorry. 

I didn’t succeed in saving you from your fate.

You’re broken now. The trust is gone, and so are your reserves. Your faith in love is shattered. It seems utterly unbelievable to have made it to this place of darkness. But you’re here now… and I’m hurting with you, dearest.

Oh pain, please just go away! Leave him alone. The agony is too much for tender shoulders to bear. Ease up… I beg you.

You’ll get through this, people say. It doesn’t feel like that when you’re in the thick of it though. But know this… I’m here till the tears stop rolling, the deep ache subsides and the reality of moving on alone becomes easier to accept. Whatever you need, love… I promise.

I’m here for you. Always.

*Originally published on PhiloSusi 4/17/16

My Inheritance

mutti

A lifetime of difficulties landed hard.
Years of sadness, extremes, and bullshit highs.
Insecurities abounded and chaos prevailed.
Welcome to my world.

I was educated on “What will the people think?” stability.
Happy, healthy home – yeah, that was an illusion.
Inconsistent love led to inward rage,
me only always wanting to run away.

Her generation’s dysfunction and the ones before were handed down.
The family poison designed to slowly kill your mind over time.
But she never counted on me fighting hard for my sanity.
I wouldn’t accept this lame gift fraught with pain.

So I cut ties and let her go.
It helped to put up clearly marked boundaries.
I could finally breathe.
I rose above the insanity to find my peace.

Then she died.
The drama spanning generations ceased.
My inheritance was freedom.
Something she never experienced.

Loud

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kept down
held back
filled with fear
and rage 

despair at every turn
me, an unwilling victim
blockades to stop me
turbulence swirling me about

My history embedded a lack of power in me.
Years of criticism, critique, and disgust took its toll.
Thick layers of neglect crusted over on this shell of me.
Defeated, ignored, and scared.

But I dared to feel more important than what the day rolled out.
I fought to experience life exquisitely, with the volume on high.
Determined to engage with this existence full of substance and force.
I clutched myself hard and pushed forward to lean loudly into my future.

Not gonna hide from it anymore.