Audience Of One

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Van-Renselar

Pictures and scenery from years gone by flash before my eyes as I’m laying here on my deathbed. I’m simultaneously smiling and crying, wishing to be back in those memories as a more willing participant rather than just as a casual observer.

Who would have ever thought that desire to experience those times again would creep into my psyche? Weren’t those experiences hard the first time? Now laying here I realize, accepting this unfulfilled life is much harder to endure than all the things I had to go through while I was still young or even middle-aged.

Before withering away to my end, I had only watched the days go by without me really participating in them or enjoying sharing good times with others. Now, it’s an even lonelier existence. A hospital bed and my dreams to give me my only real comfort now; closing my eyes make me an audience of one to my past.

I experience a rare joy when nurses or doctors come to call. I can smile a bit with them, forget the sadness I feel. Then they leave and once again I am by myself, alone with my physical pain and my emotional sorrow. The tears flow silently, streaking my face like tiny little rivers through the cracks of my aged appearance.

Looking up, the ceiling offers no hope for some sort of release. I find the only way to escape this dreary loneliness is to sleep and join those characters that brought me what was, in hindsight, the most joy throughout my life. Experiences that I didn’t really know how to appreciate or even understand at the time. Simple pleasures like just being with someone I cared about and truly enjoying the time spent together. Looking at the sunset and its beautiful shades of color as it dipped down below the tree line. Feeling the wind blowing and licking my skin with its light, feathery touch. The little tingles of love and appreciation I should have felt when my children looked at me adoringly. If only I had taken the time to really let all those good things resonate in me deeply. If only I had been an active participant in my life while I had the chance then maybe the sadness now wouldn’t be so profoundly devastating.

I built a lifetime of feeling alone and preoccupied. Connecting to my existence, fully engulfing my experiences could have – oh, they would have – made for a richer take-away than what I chose to be left with at that time. So now I’ll exit this world with only memories, their impact and meaning only now being revealed; a lesson of life learned much too late.

**Originally published on PhiloSusi 4/16/2014. Reposted with minor revisions.

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Shattering The Hold

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Intensity laced with lunacy, it’s seductively subliminal.
Past hurt swept away by the look masquerading as deeply in love.
It’s not love.
It’s danger.
And it easily has you.
If you are not careful.
Psychological warfare playing out in the depths of your mind.
Don’t be deceived by the charm of the snakes, the force of the demanding ones
or the egos of those where clever observation never occurs.
They will hurt you.
Maybe not right away, but they will.
The scars of learning are deep and never healing.
See it before it gets a hold of you.
**Originally published PhiloSusi 10/22/16  Re-posted here with minor revisions

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A place to feel like you’ve arrived.

Do you have it?

I hope that for you.
A place to be free, and one of comfort.

“It will be the moment where you don’t wear a forced smile.”

It will be a feeling of content.

And security, richness, and volume.

Do you have it?

I want that, for you and me.

Captured

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Over and over, repeated re-injury of the senses.
It’s what we had.

Dressed in our despair, bonded by pain.
It’s what we shared.

We twisted and contorted, struggled further to gain control.
It’s how we fought.

Every prick of the conscience drained another abscess.
It’s how we learned.

Giving up was not an option.
It’s how we lived.

 

 

 

 

 

Innocence

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When you look into those eyes, how can you not want the best for them?

How can a child ever be subjected to anything but love and support? How can a person ever think to harm a child?

Being intentionally and forcefully dominating, it’s just wrong.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Innocence needs to be educated and given the opportunity to flourish rather than dominated, directed and oppressed.

Please tell me you agree?

My Favorite Pair

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Jason and Ian, my precious babies.

Motherhood meant striving to give them the best of me they were deserving of then realizing they were rewarding me with more value than I had to offer.

Years of moments – delicious, frustrating, hurt, joyful, enlightening, spontaneous, fun, sad – quickly turned both into young men. Adults venturing out into the world, and away from me.

As new chapters develop in their lives, I’m looking forward to their stories, their adventures. As they offer the world the best of themselves, may life reciprocate and give back in abundance what they so richly deserve.

 

***the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

 

 

First Death, Then Life

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It’s odd to feel alive again after someone’s death. But, actually, it’s kinda refreshing.

I’ve had my share of dysfunctional people in my life. The most troublesome ones from my past are dead now. Other relationships that have died over the years are also thankfully in my rearview mirror. But not before enduring a brief stint of anger and sorrow, of course.

It sounds morbid but here’s to making clean breaks and fresh starts with a death!

Seriously, the result of those losses turned into a renewal of me. The chaos was over, for sure. Peace! No more “What’s going to happen next?” along with no more drama, of any kind. There wasn’t anything more to fight over, feel guilt or shame about. No more tears of frustration or anger. It was over. I was facing my future my way from that point on. I got to say a final goodbye to the shit storm those relationships held over me.

I could breathe again, and more importantly, I could live.

You

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Photo by Andreas Wohlfahrt on Pexels.com

Birth delivers an unknown entity and life begins, yet again. You start to exist.

The business of life is to evolve you to your best form. The goal is to reach a physical peak and then head to the inevitable conclusion.

During your stay, your personality or the essence of you continues to be shaped by the experiences, tools, and influences along the way.

Daring to live requires enhancing it; doing it your way requires courage.

I hope you find the joy in it along the way.

Wounds

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Deep scars embedded in our psyche.
We were marred by loved ones we should call traitors.

We feel the need to hide the frayed nerve endings deep inside.
The repeated shocks to our system and sensibilities can make us mute.

But let’s not go quietly.

Our enemies expect silence from us.
But we deserve better than staying restrained.

Not screaming to the rafters calling out their crimes, buys them a better life than they are due.

The one we were owed.

Be strong, be loud and let your wounds heal.