in the wrong direction
in the wrong direction
in my world
safe haven no more
Of all the things I left behind,
I miss the promises the most. You said…
… we’d have a future of unending kisses,
embraces, and stability.
You dangled sweetness
making it seem possible
there was nothing more to fear.
… I deserved all the loving gestures and smiles.
You had me bubbling with joy,
planning a future.
Committing to a lifetime
of being grounded.
… ours was the greatest connection.
You filled me with passion,
left me hungering for more,
As if I could trust you.
… you would show me a love I’d
never had before.
I’d be safe.
I’d be calm
because it was real.
I was naive and young.
And I was wrong.
The ugliness which brought me here
finally revealed itself,
shattering those promises.
Now, I start over.
Deserving spectacular, with you I’m not.
It took my last bit of strength to pick up
every last bit of shredded me off the floor.
Left with bloody fragments of a torn heart,
a distorted mind and a shaken psyche.
My existence, Picasso’s The Weeping Woman feel to it.
Feeling awkwardly out of place and lost in my space.
I had to recalibrate; I needed to rebuild.
Now I’m new and different, possibly improved.
A little wiser for the wear; a lot harder around the edges.
More protective of me, not so naive anymore.
Self-preservation took me to new heights.
I’m back and ready.
Don’t ever hurt me again.
This was all a test.
Where was the love, and sweetness?
Oh my, how you failed.
Liar, liar. Divorce may be possible.
What inspires me to write could be a current situation and the positive or negative emotions it brings up, or I’m merely reflecting on memories, and the feelings recalled. Those moments when they strike are my material, so to speak; they are what I entertain you with.
I dislike Valentine’s Day. I’m sure many who read what I’m about to say will argue there is a beneficial aspect to it, but I can’t grasp anything remotely useful about it. To me, it’s a non-sensical celebration. There I said it, not ashamed either.
Hallmark, candy and chocolate stores, floral shops, restaurants, jewelry stores, hair salons, spas, and many other commercial establishments are making a killing off people who buy into this bogus day. 2018 saw approximately $19.7 billion in revenue. Yes, it is contributing to our capitalistic society by providing hold-in-your-hand products to alleged lovers of others, on this one particular day. But who wants to be loved just because someone demanded you do, and show it their way. Is this billion dollar business actually bringing anything of value by marketing this day as something compulsory when you love someone? I personally think no, it doesn’t.
My feeling is you should love your special someone if you have one of those, 365 days a year. One day of playing by the rules of industries profiting off you doesn’t make up for the other 364 days of how your person of affection wasn’t appreciated.
I especially don’t like that day on Facebook.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore relationships that are genuine, but I don’t always see that on FB or in real life very often. I’ll applaud those who are mature and loving, whether they are intense or not. But the shallow ones, they leave me kind of meh.
What prompted me to post that 6-day story on my personal page was to my husband and also in direct response to the unextraordinary relationships I see playing out on FB. Obviously, all my FB friends would see it too. The point being, for my spouse, I was trying to convey – in a quite unromantic gesture – “honey, this is the only marriage I will ever be in, ever again.” It wasn’t meant to be positive or negative, just a declaration of my reality. I was being unromantic. It was my take on how romantic gestures don’t mean shit unless your intention coincides. A personal statement wrapped in social commentary.
Interestingly, those friends commenting had drawn a hard line on that experience; all of them. They took it to mean that marriage sucks, never doing it again. Who wouldn’t say it, if it did? I would understand the knee-jerk reaction if the situation was not a good one.
So naturally, I was curious (cause I’m always curious!) if more people on this larger platform read this, how would they interpret my 6-word story? What would their takeaway be? The Ever post hit the day after Valentine’s Day along with a request for readers to fill out a short poll about their reaction to the 6-word story.
I’m sad that hardly anyone took the time to share their thoughts. Only a total of nine people took the time to respond. But regardless, the answers they provided showed overwhelmingly, a negative reply.
That made me go “Hmmmm.” 70% were jaded. We’re in love with love, but we’re seemingly unsatisfied. That’s sad to me. And again, makes me think that if we stop putting such emphasis on one day rather than what it takes to do every day, maybe relationships won’t lead to such negativity in the end?
It’s a thought.
What started as an internal demand to highlight the silliness (following the capitalistic bent and the over-the-top streaming of gushiness of this day), ended as another path to possibly understanding the humans in my world.
I like that.
Love to all, every day, for being what inspires me to be myself. 🙂
**Readers – requesting your involvement!
Thank you in advance for participating in this hugely scientific study.
I promise; I will explain later. 😉