our family rich with morbitities
of the mind, body and soul
wondering which fate awaits me
inviting the punishment
for perceived past misdeeds
a self-flagellation of sorts
abuse hammered in
nailed to my psyche
hard to escape, even after years
wrenching free is the only hope
Redux
Fear, shame, and guilt packed onto the frail frames of children.
Bruises are the accessories of their souls.
Innocence wiped from the faces of angels.
Harshness becomes the norm, thriving isn’t an option.
At least not for a while, more likely much longer.
Tasting freedom with the coming of age, finally.
But darkness from the past continues to weigh heavy.
Their existence tainted still.
Mental anguish persists from pain doled out by monsters of the past.
Fear, shame, and guilt still trapped deep.
Intensely alone with their damaging construct.
It’s still survival mode.
laying on her side
focusing outside herself
outside the window
at the moon
him on her bed
crushing down
on her youth
babbling incoherently
close to her face
intimate, like she’s his wife
exhaling utterances
laced with beer
scaring this ten year old
into a world
for which she was not equipped
fear gripping every inch of her
‘leave already’ she wishes to herself
not knowing what to do
when he, whom she trusts,
severs the line of decency
*Note – While this was a true event, the child was not raped, thank goodness. However, it left some emotional scars, and trust was broken as certain boundaries were crossed.
Why did you leave me behind?
my love for you…
is written on my face
but you can’t seem to read me
emanates with intensity
but you are immune to feeling me
is expressed with every syllable
but you don’t know how to hear me
is right in front of you
but you are unable to see me
i must not be enough
Joy feels like exposure to the harshest elements.
In showing it you become a pawn
in the game of advantage
like taken of that is.
Allowing happiness to make an appearance,
well, that’s just a sin.
“Be humble, accept things with grace,” they said.
As they shushed my feelings out of jealousy.
Feeling like a kernel doubling in size,
well, that’s just ruinous.
“Let’s not have a grandiose, public display,” they said.
As they swatted my butt out of anger.
Having intensity acknowledged on the surface,
well, that’s just suicide.
“Behave yourself!” they said.
As they locked me away with a pious vengeance.
Where did it ever get me to give a voice
to what bubbles up happy tears and excitement?
Hide your feelings, stomp them down reactions was all I ever got.
Because no one really wanted to meet the real me.
the calamity
weighed down
forcing
the innards
out
revealing
wounds
unleashing
the crying girl
in the corner
where she’d long
swallowed
the grief
fear and shame
the lakes of tears
the eruption
of emotions
expanding
her chest cavity
burgeoning
so much
pain
pain
pain
and more pain
murky depths
led
to the dark matter
filling
the hole within
the rage
agitated hate
the injustice
trapped
and bubbling
the fear of implosion
imminent
the voices
of the past
scolding
an excruciating wait
for the release
from
this
hell
the anger in youth
is palpable
truth met with silence
acceptance non-existent
the anger in relationships
continues on in years
one failure after the other
blame with shame
the anger at oneself
clung to for so long
it’s sickening
it’s heart-breaking
… it’s got to change
If only the window would break
so I could fall away
from this midnight distress
of heavy breathing
laden with bourbon
If only I was not petrified
of what could
happen next
of what might
be my agony
If only this man
kept his hands
and his mutterings
of his wife’s failings
to himself
If only I was bigger
stronger
less frightened
when his hand clamped
down on me so hard
If only I was older
and knew what to do
beyond shaking
smiling glazed
and going numb
If only the moon
didn’t highlight
the deed
whitewash the evil
occurring below
If only the moon could save me
the inhumanity of humans
fuel nightmares
all times of the day
innocence lost
over and over again
heartbreak, pain, and suffering
monsters don’t just hide in movies
they won’t die
they reemerge
in another life
