In Recovery

Redux

It took my last bit of strength to pick up every last bit of shredded me off the floor.

Left with bloody fragments of a torn heart, a distorted mind, and a shaken psyche.

My existence, Picasso’s The Weeping Woman feel to it.

Feeling awkwardly out of place and lost in my space.

I had to recalibrate; I needed to rebuild.

Now I’m new and different, possibly improved.

A little wiser for the wear; a lot harder around the edges.

More protective of me, not so naive anymore.

Self-preservation took me to new heights.

I’m back and ready.

Don’t ever hurt me again.

Originally published 9/9/2018 on I Write Her.

US

Redux

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You got close to me in a way I’d never felt before.
Your sensual touch took my breath away.
Your fingers left a trail of goosebumps down every bit of my body.
You bathed me in love and surrounded me with comfort.
Your kisses left me weak and all in.

We played well for years.
We fought the world and won.
We ensured the next generation felt loved.
We made a home.
We had joy.

They looked in and saw happiness.
They were envious.
They felt we got love right.
They tried to catch our affection.
They wished they were us.

Then…

I was missing the love.
I felt bereft.
I ached for you.
I waited for you.
I wanted you still.

She insinuated herself into our love.
She was bright, shiny and new.
She was trouble.
She got in our way.
She destroyed us.

He saw my worth.
He proclaimed his desire.
He soothed my pain.
He eased my tears.
He was my friend.

It forced honesty.
It helped me find understanding.
It propelled me into a new reality.
It changed me.
It saved me.

Me, I got a lot of work to do.
Me, figuring things out.
Me, facing all my demons.
Me, fighting for myself.
Me, getting it all right.

Us, starting again.
Us, hurting all over to fix our love.
Us, going forward and taking two steps back.
Us, loving each other anyway.
Us, doing it together.

Originally published 8/26/2018 on I Write Her.

Ugly Ways

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Silent deception
Confident chicanery
You smiling bastard

Hard hit to the heart
Foreign reality now
Weight of lies broke me

Forever altered
Gazillion hurt pieces
Difficult to breathe

Difficult to live
Struggling to survive in pain
Dark for a long time

Originally published 8/17/2018 on I Write Her.

Unobtrusive

Redux

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I stayed in the background, letting you take center stage.

It’s what you needed.

It’s what I thought you wanted.

It’s what I thought I should do.

My needs took second fiddle.

They weren’t that important.

I was wrong.

You dick.

Originally posted 8/6/2018 on I Write Her.

Heartbreak

Redux

My pain is nestled in these lyrics.
Bringing back those days of hurt so acutely, so clearly.
Wounded beyond repair, devastated by the despair.
The US once my cure for loneliness, no more.
Shattered in an instant.
Unease in my core, life flickering out of my heart.
Every moment of remembrance takes me back when you split US into two.
I fear I’ll need a lifetime’s worth of healing to get back my equilibrium.

Clouds part
Just to give us a little sun

There’s a limit to your love
Like a waterfall in slow motion
Like a map with no ocean
There’s a limit to your love
Your love, your love, your love

There’s a limit to your care
So carelessly there
Is it truth or dare?
There’s a limit to your care

I love, I love, I love
This dream of going upstream
I love, I love, I love
The trouble that you give me
I know, I know, I know
That only I can save me
I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go
Right down the road

There’s a limit to your love
Like a waterfall in slow motion
Like a map with no ocean
There’s a limit to your love
Your love, your love, your love

I can’t read your smile
It should be written on your face
I’m piecing it together
There’s something out of place
Oh

I love I love, I love
This dream of going upstream
I love, I love, I love
The trouble that you give me
I know, I know, I know
That only I can save me
I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go
Out on the road
Because there is no limit
There’s no limit
No limit, no limit, no limit
Limit to my love

Songwriter: Leslie Feist, Jason Charles Beck
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Licensed by: UMG, [Merlin] FUGA Aggregation (on behalf of Arts & Crafts Productions); UMPI, SOLAR Music Rights Management, EMI Music Publishing, CMRRA, UBEM, UMPG Publishing, and 8 Music Rights Societies

When you get older, plainer, saner
When you remember all the danger we came from
Burning like embers, falling, tender
Long before the days of no surrender
Years ago and well you know

Smoke ’em if you got ’em
‘Cause it’s going down
All I ever wanted was you
I’ll never get to heaven
‘Cause I don’t know how

Let’s raise a glass or two
To all the things I’ve lost on you
Oh oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Oh oh
After everything I’ve lost on you
Is that lost on you?
Oh oh
Is that lost on you?
Oh oh
Baby, is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

Wishing I could see the machinations
Understand the toil of expectations in your mind
Hold me like you never lost your patience
Tell me that you love me more than hate me all the time
And you’re still mine

So smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em
‘Cause it’s going down
All I ever wanted was you
Let’s take a drink of heaven
This can turn around

Let’s raise a glass or two
To all the things I’ve lost on you
Oh oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Oh oh
After everything I’ve lost on you
Is that lost on you?
Oh oh
Is that lost on you?
Oh oh, oh oh
Babe, is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

Let’s raise a glass or two
To all the things I’ve lost on you
Oh oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh oh
Just that you cold cut me loose
Oh oh
After everything I’ve lost on you
Is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

Songwriters: Laura Pergolizzi / Nathaniel Campany / Michael Gonzales
Lost on You lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

Originally posted 7/26/2018 on I Write Her.

Painful Confusion

Redux

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shocking upheaval delivered unexpectedly
the heartache pounded harshly inward
internal distress burnt a tortuous red
a deep cut surrounded by a million small tears
the stress widened all the wounds
anguish and heartbreak followed
the future, unending and suffering agony
sorrow and grief dictated the next steps for survival
this daedal misery mimicked a slow death
love left in an upset heap
an untidy disarray of hurt
this…
this from someone who cherished commitment