my past returns
up in my future
like hot juice
down my throat
it burns
this becomes something else
tainted and wrong
desperate attempts
at rising above
at feeling less defiled
sullied and broken
once again
first time, shame on him
second time, shame on me
a third time won’t happen
where once was substance
a hollow shell
in its place
love bounces off
not even a response
anymore
kindness is foreign
after the tragedy
of betrayal
this voluminous space
of emptiness
is home now
Inspired by BrewNSpew Cafe – 2/4/19 – Empty
Your actions made me feel like I wasn’t special to you.
You claimed…
I was important to you. Did you show it?
I was a good friend. But not enough for you.
You loved me unconditionally, but I was too much to take.
I was unique and different, but I was too combative.
I was such a role model, but indeed too honest for you.
It’s good that I’m honest. But I just wasn’t sensitive to others.
I was just me.
And you didn’t know how to take me.
Then I doubted myself because of you.
I shouldn’t have.
Our connection ceased to exist because of your selfishness and your ego.
A war of two individuals with no victory for you or me.
You gave up while I was actually still fighting for us.
Then I let you go…. willingly.
Self-preservation was required.
I realized that all you would do is continue to injure me.
Just know…
I am important.
I have value.
I am special.
And you will never fuck me over again.
waves of hate
inward and out
years of betrayal
misuse and mishandling
all that is wrong
is not righted
all that has healed
is not pretty
all that is pretty
is a mask we wear
the back side of smiles
hiding the ugly scars
where is the beauty
in you or in me
It took my last bit of strength to pick up
every last bit of shredded me off the floor.
Left with bloody fragments of a torn heart,
a distorted mind and a shaken psyche.
My existence, Picasso’s The Weeping Woman feel to it.
Feeling awkwardly out of place and lost in my space.
I had to recalibrate; I needed to rebuild.
Now I’m new and different, possibly improved.
A little wiser for the wear; a lot harder around the edges.
More protective of me, not so naive anymore.
Self-preservation took me to new heights.
I’m back and ready.
Don’t ever hurt me again.
You inflicted your pain on me.
I
wish I
could go back.
Fix what I did.
I’d unbreak your heart, make it whole again.
You got close to me in a way I’d never felt before.
Your sensual touch took my breath away.
Your fingers left a trail of goosebumps down every bit of my body.
You bathed me in love and surrounded me with comfort.
Your kisses left me weak and all in.
We played well for years.
We fought the world and won.
We ensured the next generation felt loved.
We made a home.
We had joy.
They looked in and saw happiness.
They were envious.
They felt we got love right.
They tried to catch our affection.
They wished they were us.
Then…
I was missing the love.
I felt bereft.
I ached for you.
I waited for you.
I wanted you still.
She insinuated herself into our love.
She was bright, shiny and new.
She was trouble.
She got in our way.
She destroyed us.
He saw my worth.
He proclaimed his desire.
He soothed my pain.
He eased my tears.
He was my friend.
It forced honesty.
It helped me find understanding.
It propelled me into a new reality.
It changed me.
It saved me.
Me, I got a lot of work to do.
Me, figuring things out.
Me, facing all my demons.
Me, fighting for myself.
Me, getting it all right.
Us, starting again.
Us, hurting all over to fix our love.
Us, going forward and taking two steps back.
Us, loving each other anyway.
Us, doing it together.
Silent deception
Confident chicanery
You smiling bastard
Hard hit to the heart
Foreign reality now
Weight of lies broke me
Forever altered
Gazillion hurt pieces
Difficult to breathe
Difficult to live
Struggling to survive in pain
Dark for a long time
Involved. There. With me.
Right.
So far removed from reality.
I know.
You don’t.
Still fighting the wrong things.
Proudly arrogant.
You go, boy.
You lose, boy.
Growing weary.
Moving on.
