once safe and sound
our motion
jostling harmoniously
clicketing along predictably
but that train
left the station
leaving a trail of debris
in the crash
reeling emotions screech
as the brakes are put on
full stop
the damage is extensive
such a jagged mess
to clean up
but the nugatory efforts
fail
trust and respect went out the damn window
i didn’t break
you broke us
damaged
me
there is no trust, fool
tired of the assholery
fuck your agenda
i was worthy
of a better, happier life
than you deemed
i was going to live
every time
my name
comes up
i hope
you choke on it
with irritation
that’s what you deserve
a lifelong
aversion
to the utterance
of what once
so effortlessly
came across your lips
i hope
it makes
your body
fill with pins and needles
whose friction
tears you up
on the inside
you
the creator
of your destruction
i walk away
comfortably
knowing
you’ll bleed
from the inside
i
am better
without you
**Originally published in Feeling Human Dec 2017. Presented here with revisions.
Pausing my distressed state, I distracted myself diving deeply into gastronomy. Immersed and focused on fusing the flavors of carefully selected ingredients, I relished the finished product. Ingesting my creation, finding enjoyment in it, allowing a small measure of an easement to occur in my current state of dysfunction.
The problem at hand begged for inner reflection. Waking every morning was a ritual of opening the eyes and viewing out my bedroom window, just staring at the trees and listening to the sounds of nature. Sometimes for hours. Processing, mulling over and remembering every moment of pain. What felt like agony and torture initially gradually allowed a sense of understanding to move into the grey matter.
A deep need to release anger and frustration created a passion for a familiar act. I required the physical focus, a hungry attack on the flesh. It was an attempt at duplicating intensity, replacing pain with pleasure. And it was had.
The process helped.
I got through my trauma.
**Originally published 1/16/18
I look at you, and all I hear is silence.
But I found out anyway.
“I couldn’t bear to see you hurting.”
Right, your possible discomfort rates more than me.
It was the wrong decision to withhold.
Your value diminishes before my eyes.
And my pain is deep. It comes from your deception.
You kept quiet. That’s lying.
Your selfishness ruins me on so many levels.
I hate the result. I’m loathing you for it.
You aren’t truthful, and we suffer for it.
The partnership you claim to uphold so much.
You lied, and we became a lie.
I feel so dirty now.
** Originally posted 1/2/18
Keith Garrett excerpt from When You Went Away
yes
OMFG YES
it all went away
this face
adoring you lovingly
a killer smile
appreciating your charm
these lips
so moist, waiting
bright eyes
only for you
it’s all gone now
but you’re bitching about
my…
attitude
demeanor ————– when it’s a direct consequence of your piss poor behavior
compassion
Love
carried
me away
to magical
moments unmatched by other men, to date.
Then, like others before, you fucked it up.
Gone was the love,
the trusting.
Found me
though.
Nobody ever says that, that those who fear falling in love have this tendency to be more affectionate and nurturing and gentle lovers. It’s not the fear of “falling in love” that they’re actually afraid of but the fear of “being in love.” The fear of being somewhere they’ve always wanted and the fear of not being worthy enough of it.
Juansen Dizon – Philophobia
I was the golden warrior.
Found my place, made my name.
I chose you.
You were deemed worthy.
But then you pulled away.
Stayed but let me wonder.
Who am I now without you really there?
Felt shaken, unsure.
Forced me to beg.
I wasn’t sure anymore if I was desirable.
Constant questioning.
How could you do this?
I trusted you to love me whole.
Honor and love me forever.
This is how you respect me?
I let you in believing I was worth so much to you.
But in the end, only you mattered.
your physical presence
meant something
before
your shape filled up
the room
with joy
the moments now
alone
when in your presence
