Betrayal

Your actions made me feel like I wasn’t special to you.

You claimed…
     I was important to you. Did you show it?
     I was a good friend. But not enough for you.
     You loved me unconditionally, but I was too much to take.
     I was unique and different, but I was too combative.
     I was such a role model, but indeed too honest for you.
     It’s good that I’m honest. But I just wasn’t sensitive to others.

I was just me.
And you didn’t know how to take me.

Then I doubted myself because of you.
I shouldn’t have.

Our connection ceased to exist because of your selfishness and your ego.

A war of two individuals with no victory for you or me.
You gave up while I was actually still fighting for us. 

Then I let you go…. willingly.
Self-preservation was required.
I realized that all you would do is continue to injure me.

Just know…

I am important. 
      I have value. 
           I am special.   
               And you will never fuck me over again.

Distorted

 

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Oleksandr Kurchev

waves of hate
inward and out

years of betrayal
misuse and mishandling

all that is wrong
is not righted

all that has healed
is not pretty

all that is pretty
is a mask we wear

the back side of smiles
hiding the ugly scars

where is the beauty
in you or in me

In Recovery

Forever Alone

It took my last bit of strength to pick up
every last bit of shredded me off the floor.

Left with bloody fragments of a torn heart,
a distorted mind and a shaken psyche.

My existence, Picasso’s The Weeping Woman feel to it.

Feeling awkwardly out of place and lost in my space.

I had to recalibrate; I needed to rebuild.

Now I’m new and different, possibly improved.

A little wiser for the wear; a lot harder around the edges.

More protective of me, not so naive anymore.

Self-preservation took me to new heights.

I’m back and ready.

Don’t ever hurt me again.

US

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You got close to me in a way I’d never felt before.
Your sensual touch took my breath away.
Your fingers left a trail of goosebumps down every bit of my body.
You bathed me in love and surrounded me with comfort.
Your kisses left me weak and all in.

We played well for years.
We fought the world and won.
We ensured the next generation felt loved.
We made a home.
We had joy.

They looked in and saw happiness.
They were envious.
They felt we got love right.
They tried to catch our affection.
They wished they were us.

Then…

I was missing the love.
I felt bereft.
I ached for you.
I waited for you.
I wanted you still.

She insinuated herself into our love.
She was bright, shiny and new.
She was trouble.
She got in our way.
She destroyed us.

He saw my worth.
He proclaimed his desire.
He soothed my pain.
He eased my tears.
He was my friend.

It forced honesty.
It helped me find understanding.
It propelled me into a new reality.
It changed me.
It saved me.

Me, I got a lot of work to do.
Me, figuring things out.
Me, facing all my demons.
Me, fighting for myself.
Me, getting it all right.

Us, starting again.
Us, hurting all over to fix our love.
Us, going forward and taking two steps back.
Us, loving each other anyway.
Us, doing it together.

Ugly Ways

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Silent deception
Confident chicanery
You smiling bastard

Hard hit to the heart
Foreign reality now
Weight of lies broke me

Forever altered
Gazillion hurt pieces
Difficult to breathe

Difficult to live
Struggling to survive in pain
Dark for a long time