I Lose, I Triumph

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i was worthy
of a better, happier life
than you deemed
i was going to live

every time
my name
comes up
i hope
you choke on it
with irritation

that’s what you deserve
a lifelong
aversion
to the utterance
of what once
so effortlessly
came across your lips

i hope
it makes
your body
fill with pins and needles
whose friction
tears you up
on the inside

you
the creator
of your destruction

i walk away
comfortably
knowing
you’ll bleed
from the inside

i
am better
without you

**Originally published in Feeling Human Dec 2017. Presented here with revisions.

Cook, Meditate, F#@k

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Pausing my distressed state, I distracted myself diving deeply into gastronomy.  Immersed and focused on fusing the flavors of carefully selected ingredients, I relished the finished product. Ingesting my creation, finding enjoyment in it, allowing a small measure of an easement to occur in my current state of dysfunction.

1

The problem at hand begged for inner reflection. Waking every morning was a ritual of opening the eyes and viewing out my bedroom window, just staring at the trees and listening to the sounds of nature. Sometimes for hours. Processing, mulling over and remembering every moment of pain. What felt like agony and torture initially gradually allowed a sense of understanding to move into the grey matter.

2

A deep need to release anger and frustration created a passion for a familiar act. I required the physical focus, a hungry attack on the flesh. It was an attempt at duplicating intensity, replacing pain with pleasure. And it was had.

The process helped.

I got through my trauma.

 

**Originally published 1/16/18

Damaging Honesty

liar_by_jeffrey1
wrdbnr.com

I look at you, and all I hear is silence.
But I found out anyway.

“I couldn’t bear to see you hurting.”
Right, your possible discomfort rates more than me.

It was the wrong decision to withhold.
Your value diminishes before my eyes.

And my pain is deep. It comes from your deception.
You kept quiet. That’s lying.

Your selfishness ruins me on so many levels.
I hate the result. I’m loathing you for it.

You aren’t truthful, and we suffer for it.
The partnership you claim to uphold so much.

You lied, and we became a lie.

I feel so dirty now.

 

** Originally posted 1/2/18

How Dare You?

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“When you went away, with you went your special face.”
Keith Garrett excerpt from When You Went Away

yes
OMFG YES

it all went away

this face
adoring you lovingly

a killer smile
appreciating your charm

these lips
so moist, waiting

bright eyes
only for you

it’s all gone now
but you’re bitching about

my…

attitude
demeanor ————– when it’s a direct consequence of your piss poor behavior
compassion

WTF DID YOU EXPECT?!?!?!?

Mind Games

34139790-stock-vector-vector-silhouette-of-a-couple-who-is-arguing-on-a-white-background-

Nobody ever says that, that those who fear falling in love have this tendency to be more affectionate and nurturing and gentle lovers. It’s not the fear of “falling in love” that they’re actually afraid of but the fear of “being in love.” The fear of being somewhere they’ve always wanted and the fear of not being worthy enough of it.
Juansen Dizon – Philophobia

 

I was the golden warrior.

Found my place, made my name.

I chose you.

You were deemed worthy.

But then you pulled away.

Stayed but let me wonder.

Who am I now without you really there?

Felt shaken, unsure.

Forced me to beg.

I wasn’t sure anymore if I was desirable.

Constant questioning.

How could you do this?

I trusted you to love me whole.

Honor and love me forever.

This is how you respect me?

I let you in believing I was worth so much to you.

But in the end, only you mattered.

Published on Spillwords Press!

Cold-Hearts-spillwords

Some exciting news to share with you all – SpillWords Press has accepted and published a new piece of mine – Cold Hearts! Many thanks to Dagmara K – Director of Development and Editor – for selecting this piece for publication. I’m honored to be featured at SpillWords!

Please take a moment to visit the link above to read about this free verse, micro poem which deals with the bitterness and feelings of betrayal in relationships gone bad.

2

Shocking upheaval delivered unexpectedly.

The heartache pounded harshly inward.

Internal distress burnt a tortuous red.

A deep cut surrounded by a million small tears.

The stress widened all the wounds.

Anguish and heartbreak followed.

The future, unending and suffering agony.

Sorrow and grief dictated the next steps for survival.

This daedal misery mimicked a slow death.

Love left in an upset heap, an untidy disarray of hurt.

This… this from someone who cherished commitment.

Originally published 6/22/18