Falling From The Tree – Part 5

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

The dinner did not disappoint; it was amazing! The smells which filled the room prompted the hubs to say, “OMG, get the blue ribbon ready; she done won the prize!” We enjoyed not only the dinner but the company of each other as we usually would. After twenty-five years together, we had proven what we’d always wanted for one another – sanity, peace, and calm in an otherwise crazy life both of us had endured. Tonight was just once such an example of having achieved some homeostasis. Knowing that I’d fallen from my family tree years ago to find another life that filled me with joy was fantastic. What I had attained was something I thought was so out of my reach. It wasn’t, at least for the moment.

The phone rang as we were just about to sit down for dinner.

“Hello, Aunt Susi. I’m sorry to let you know that my mom has died,” my nephew said calmly. “Her cancer returned and took her from us today.”

I wanted to let the phone drop, but I knew I needed to acknowledge that I understood what he had just said. “I’m so sorry to hear about this. Are you guys okay?” He said yes. I asked if there was anything I could do. He said they’d taken care of all the arrangements and wanted to know if I would attend the funeral. 

“I honestly don’t know. Can I call you later?”

“Absolutely. Whatever you decide. I know you two haven’t spoken in a long time. We wouldn’t be upset if you decided not to attend.”

“Thank you. Again, I’m so sorry. And please let me know if I can help with anything.” We hung up at the same time. I was feeling a bit outside of myself.

I didn’t know that she had had a recurrence with her cancer. This bit of news pulled me into our family drama again. To have her die before I had a chance to make things right somehow screwed me up in more ways than one. Sadly, I wouldn’t ever have the opportunity to resolve our relationship now. JFC, life is always one shit show after another. That is literally all I could think. And it didn’t end there.

~~

Many years into the future…

Looking back, it seems that we always realize that when life changes on a dime, we must respond. Figuring out what mattered most was tantamount. Shortly after my sister’s death, I also found out my husband had cheated on me. This betrayal put us through many tumultuous years. It took me a long time to finally realize he wasn’t my happy ending. Since then, I’ve divorced and found a new life. 

This new chapter includes finding a wonderful friend who understands me and shows me what it means to live an honest, genuinely accepting life. I’ve never felt at ease as I do now. 

Currently, I wonder when the next shoe will drop. Unfortunately, life is predictable like that.

THE END

As promised, I will tell you this is NOT the actually ending to what started off as a true story. It was suggested that I write whatever was voted for as well as what actually happened. I decided to leave it at whatever the readers had rooted for, so game-changing is what I wrote. Eventually, what happens to me in actuality will make the press anyway, so you’ll just have to wait a bit. LOL

Thanks so much for voting! See you next month!

Falling From The Tree – Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I inhaled deeply to smell the rich aroma of spices in the air. It made me smile and gave me something to look forward to this evening. It’d been a while since I’d made my favorite crockpot recipe, well, actually my husband’s. He adored anything pasta and mushrooms. Super easy to prepare and guaranteed not to have any leftovers. I could almost taste it already. Soon my husband would be home from work, and we would eat our supper with great enjoyment. Ahhhh.

While sipping my tea, my thoughts once again turned back to my past and the fallout of my upbringing. I wondered why I couldn’t redirect to something different. Maybe I should read a book and relax? So, I did but couldn’t concentrate on the pages. I gave in and resumed letting my mind take me wherever it needed to wander.

I pondered on the direction my life had taken once I’d left my house. It was exhilarating to be independent, but I was going from one dysfunctional situation to another with my first boyfriend. Talk about a co-dependent situation. He was an alcoholic, just like his father, and mine was. I was repeating history. Although the odds were against me to rise above the dysfunction, sanity did prevail. It took five years before I finally ended it to move out on my own. I made some better choices, all the while learning anew and relearning the old.

Shortly after that, I reconnected with my first love, the one who slept with my sister. We eventually married but then separated about a year and a half into the marriage. Getting hitched may not have been the best decision, but I did gain a wonderful son, for whom I will forever be grateful. He is a spot of sunshine for my heart and added so much to my well-being. Parenting is not an easy task or for the faint-hearted, but he helped me understand what it meant to be a loving parent, something my mother never gave me. Although I think I also made mistakes, they were never intentionally inflicted to harm my son.

I’m not ashamed to say moving on to better things involved counseling, quite a bit of it when necessary. I’ve never understood why some people wouldn’t reach out for help when it was required. There is certainly a stigma surrounding mental illness, but it is beyond time to let go of it. People enduring emotional situations or trauma needing healing should be supported, not denigrated. And actually, it should be applauded when people do reach out for help. They are choosing to feel better about themselves, making necessary decisions to move on. Those are worthy efforts, in my opinion.

Since life is always challenging us, even when the world is relatively normal, I’m very thankful to have benefitted from the perspective of someone who was emotionally distant from the situations I had dealt with in my youth. They were able to see things that I otherwise wouldn’t because I was too close to it, nor had I been provided the tools to resolve what I had been ‘gifted’ during childhood.

I could hear the door opening. Here comes some of that normalcy I attained. And I smile a little to myself. Here’s to getting stronger and, hopefully, saner.

TO BE CONTINUED ON FRIDAY…

Dear Readers, everything in this story up until this point has been based on my real history, and one of the ending choices is actually how it all turns out. But if you don’t pick it, it’ll have to be an ending from my imagination. 🙂 Here are your choices:

Game-changing
Happy
Sad

I look forward to writing how the story will end! Here’s hoping you enjoy it!
And yes, I will let you know if it’s the real ending or fiction.🙂

Victories

230
Ash D. Solomon – Lucid Being

finally tasting
what it means to be proud
of myself
it took too many years
for me to be free
from the contempt
the shame
your shame
forced on me
always making me feel smaller
than you were
knocking me down
me losing my identity
giving up my right to believe in myself

what a horrible mother you were
damn you

treading water
for years
wasted years
of frustration and tears
pushing hard
to break barriers
and maintain
sure would have been easier
knowing my value

you were supposed to be on my side
damn you

did it without you
lived an honorable, scarred life
healed all the wounds
inside and out
ups and downs
gains with each effort
failure was not
an option
because

you weren’t ever my safety net
damn you

me
now
so much better than what was
my time has come
achieving my greatness
feeling good in my skin
owning the center
whole, and comprehending peace
it raises me above your pettiness
and your disgusting competition
finally

damn girl, 
so proud of you

For Show

Untitled
Elijah O’Donnell

cut flowers
damaged to project perfection

eventually, they’ll die
it’s not natural to live in glass

we were both cut in youth
damaged to project perfection

outside showed one thing
inside was a mess

both of us broken people
trying to get it right

hard knocks
every one a lesson

forced smiles
pressured lives

hard to bloom
when defeat is all you know

Captured

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Over and over, repeated re-injury of the senses.
It’s what we had.

Dressed in our despair, bonded by pain.
It’s what we shared.

We twisted and contorted, struggled further to gain control.
It’s how we fought.

Every prick of the conscience drained another abscess.
It’s how we learned.

Giving up was not an option.
It’s how we lived.

 

 

 

 

 

Smoldering

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The unaddressed haunts the vitality of the future.
A boiling, hot mess of resentment seething right below the surface.
Repetitively protecting the external while the red-hot hatred burns.
The barely suppressed rage remains coiled inside.
Implosion imminent.

Eventually, it will kill you.

Freedom From The Past

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“Dead family walking!”

The family was chaotic from day one.

They being an absentee, alcoholic father, and a probably-suffering-from-a-mental-illness mother not understanding love.

A child being cheated out of something before her existence had ever really begun.

So many unusual life lessons played out where mediocrity would flourish.

Determined small steps tested the authorities; she tried where she could.

Her willingness to rise above engaged with her persistently in the aftermath of their lives.

She took control of all in her realm, determined to do what was best.

The past is now safely in the rear-view mirror.

Today promised ever-increasing clarity going forward.