Painful Confusion

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Shocking upheaval delivered unexpectedly.

The heartache pounded harshly inward.

Internal distress burnt a tortuous red.

A deep cut surrounded by a million small tears.

The stress widened all the wounds.

Anguish and heartbreak followed.

The future, unending and suffering agony.

Sorrow and grief dictated the next steps for survival.

This daedal misery mimicked a slow death.

Love left in a upset heap, an untidy disarray of hurt.

This… this from someone who cherished commitment.

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Fire And Ice

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The fire in you warms me.
My coolness keeps you from burning to a crisp.

Manage my happiness! 

But my needs are subject to your approval.
Navigating your ego is treacherous.

Peace and quiet, no conflict!

There’s no room for mine.

My Favorite Pair

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Jason and Ian, my precious babies.

Motherhood meant striving to give them the best of me they were deserving of then realizing they were rewarding me with more value than I had to offer.

Years of moments – delicious, frustrating, hurt, joyful, enlightening, spontaneous, fun, sad – quickly turned both into young men. Adults venturing out into the world, and away from me.

As new chapters develop in their lives, I’m looking forward to their stories, their adventures. As they offer the world the best of themselves, may life reciprocate and give back in abundance what they so richly deserve.

 

***the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

 

 

Cast Aside

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It’s cold and lonely next to you.
Freezing.
What to do, to break through?
Open up.
Let me in.

I can’t.
I hurt because of you.
You lied.
I cried.
Then I died.

I’ll change.
I promise.
You deserved better.
I know that now.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.

No.

Impact

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“Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects.”

Dalai Lama

I’ve frequently pondered things outside my own thought process because chronic thinking is what I do. To the point of exhaustion, at times. I don’t advise it, but this is how I’m built. Still learning to take the good with the bad.

Every moment I make a conscious contribution to this life, I’ll generally see an immediate outcome. But what’s next in the lives I have happened to touch? What steps do those people then take because of what I set in motion? Does it even matter or should I care, especially when quite possibly I don’t even know who I’ve affected?

We can’t predict the future but when we become aware how we affected others, would we stop to think the next time we attempted to take action? It seems quite logical that we could take a moment to seriously think through all possible outcomes or realistic assumptions before we make decisions affecting our future, and possibly those of others. All actions have consequences and ramifications. Honestly spoken though, I’m not so sure we would, at least not yet consistently. This explains some rather poor outcomes we see for people.

We all take steps in our lives that we deem necessary. Everyone one of us. Situations arise, and they require action. I don’t think any of us would disagree. A percentage of those people are likely to just react emotionally, not thinking at all. These would be the people who wouldn’t care one bit about what happens in the timelines of others. Frankly, they are more invested in their own hysteria and drama than others, or reality for that matter.

The group of people I’m talking about are those who genuinely and critically decide to make choices in their best interest. Do they generally take it one step further to see what the effect would be for others? Again, I’ll say, my opinion is no.

I think many of us are empathetic and also open-minded; I just don’t think we apply those traits very often when it comes to things involving us and our well-being. Our own best interest is at stake, that’s the point! When we are challenged to protect ourselves or make decisions affecting us, WE are the only ones we worry about! Rationally, biologically, emotionally – this makes sense. All you have to do is look around our world. Crises’ and wars that exist with no relief in sight are clues of our selfishness everywhere. But even in the face of what life looks like right now, I think it’s changing.

Looking at our history, seeing how life has progressed, there seem to be two steps forward, sometimes three steps back followed by six steps forward action. That is positive. So, I’m hopeful.

As we’ve evolved over time, it’s become evident that we are becoming more and more aware how we’re all connected to each other. We still have a long way to go before we become the kindest humans, but there is evidence that we are contemplating how we interact with each other in a less ego-driven way. I like that.

I just hope for my kid’s sake and all others who live beyond me that people in their lifetimes will help to improve all lives living on this blue ball.

Hopelessness

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Lucid Being 315

In the clutches of this mental sinkhole, forced effort my only ally.

My day is silent, slow tears and exhaustion.

The bed, my refuge.

This world feels so far removed from inside my womb of despair.

Dark, alone and unwell.

I need to stop sinking.

Or eventually, I will float.

Random Encounters

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And just like that, I have a new friend.

Two strangers on different paths, both cementing a business arrangement. It produced a pleasant encounter, each enjoying the connection made.

It’s delightful to meet someone I can feel at ease with. For me, it happens rarely.

Those few people who look at life with enthusiasm and curiosity plant a kernel of positivity in me. They enthusiastically force me to engage again. And they are invested in their lives on a scale which most people dare not even tread.

I like that. A lot.

Those are my kind of people. Rare, and precious.