feeling joyful and light
but always waiting for the thickness
of the air to creep in
weighing down my contentedness felt
a momentary calm before the storm
until my mind sucks the buoyancy out of the air
being in the moment moves on much too quickly
generational dysfunction and ptsd
a blight on my reality
it sucks
they were already broken
when poor decisions
led to a new life
and another
and another
and another
and then another
luckily, only two of us
had to survive
the uncertain and chaotic world
with a distant father
and a mentally unstable mother
we survived
barely
boldly reclaiming the pieces
of our shattered existence
trying to steer away from repeating all the mistakes made
hopefully, ending up not looking at their same cracked reflection
it happened when least expected
taken advantage of
at our most vulnerable moments
our furtherance at stake
things screwed us up
we didn’t know any better
young and reckless
saddled with stupidity
and inherited complications
some will survive
others succumb
and a few will thrive
my thoughts always dark
motivation shadowy
distant goals obscure
each infraction required an escape
her fugacious state
determined by his actions
he didn’t seem to know when it occurred
her spouting aggressively about unreliable behavior
determined the state of their relationship
at a loss
at a crossroads
the relationship in the balance
what brought them back
not only cohesion but insight
a willingness to continue
a future of forgiveness
a promise of progress
wholeness indicated
your proclamations were lies
billowing constant torments to my psyche
you could have used a medical diagnosis
i needed medical intervention well into my adulthood
soothing came with age
the abatement of self-destruction
long in coming
self-worth returned
self-love administered
wholeness flourished
the cries of a young boy go unheeded
his innocence questioning why love hurts
why is he to blame
always
his reddened body
and damaged psyche
aches
at the prospect of another beating
his mother
another pawn
sidelines her nurture
for her own peace
the child twice unlucky
lives out a horror-filled childhood
but with determined endurance
his strength gets him thru his familial hell
at the tender age of sixteen
grasping sweet freedom
in the ball of his fist
he holds back the final strike
quieting his monster
embarrassing the beast’s over-blown stature
it shook the cowardly aggressor
finally
there was peace
a respite from the violence
a start of healing
yet the dysfunction lingered
the home, always a yelling place
a source of constant dissatisfaction
coupled with emotional abuse
the father found other ways to injure
it was only a few more years
then the young man’s escape became possible
finally living on his terms
had begun in earnest
he peeled off the pain
saved himself and forged a future
promising himself to live a better life
he tried
one marriage in and down
the second one brewing for a storm
the dysfunction of the past not quite gone
just carried forward
he’d survived
but had not shed the poison within
still imprinted deep
was the darkness of the monster
not expunged, as thought
only resurfaced in time
the complete healing
required reflection and resolution
steadfast and enduring love saved him
pushing him to face his demons
and asking forgiveness of those he’d broken
just as he had been
Redux
I want to thank my friend Chuck for reblogging some of my much earlier thoughts from my old blog – PhiloSusi. This piece from 2015 highlighted how far I’ve come since those years of my childhood but also what followed in the lessons I learned. I’m glad I went back and reread it. It reminds me how much my world has gotten better. With slight revisions, I hope you enjoy it.
~~~
When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation, which was initially out of my hands.
It wasn’t always that way.
“You’re so fat.”
“Can’t you be smarter?”
“Just stop, I’ll do it. You’re doing it wrong!”
“You’re not good enough!”
“Why can’t you do better?”
“Only angry people are crazy!”
“No one will want to date you.”
“You’re so stupid!”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.
I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn’t know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn’t understand. I was competition, which elevated her every time she uttered one of those statements. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.
Or so I thought.
Today I’m filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself that was non-existent before, and hold the firm position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor, and to this day, I don’t think I see what others do, but I’m probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.
I don’t need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.
Redux
Originally posted 4/20/2018 on I Write Her.
“Dead family walking!”
The family was chaotic from day one.
They being an absentee, alcoholic father, and a probably-suffering-from-a-mental-illness mother not understanding love.
A child being cheated out of something before her existence had ever really begun.
So many unusual life lessons played out where mediocrity would flourish.
Determined small steps tested the authorities; she tried where she could.
Her willingness to rise above engaged with her persistently in the aftermath of their lives.
She took control of all in her realm, determined to do what was best.
The past is now safely in the rear-view mirror.
Today promised ever-increasing clarity going forward.
i want to avenge my broken heart
why do these lame excuses for men
promising comfort
always give out a ticket to hell instead
as i sit waiting for him
i cram my anger
here in the spot where love was
it gets me nowhere
it pulls me down deep inside
maybe i’m too used to this empty space
I Write Her 
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