Paradise Lost

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Leman Shots

Storms rage destruction but will turn to calm, and then disappear. Following a weather event, the beings of nature will re-emerge, and continue as if never put on hold. Life keeps on going.

I find myself wishing for that pattern after a betrayal or a disappointment. If only let-downs were this easy. I know we can move on from emotional devastation but thinking it won’t afflict us again doesn’t seem to. Getting back to trust is difficult. It’s like trying to put on size ten pants when you are a size sixteen.

Trusting implies you are not suspicious. Doubt doesn’t even enter your vocabulary because there has been no reason for it to exist. Until – “enter devastating event”. The before was so good that the during was unbelievable but making the after so predictable.

When bad things happen, you don’t come away unscathed. The lingering pain and fear hang on. Millions of thoughts occupy scenarios played out over and over again. It’s an unrelenting torrent of destruction in your head and your heart. Created by another, but a continuing saga you perpetuate.

Having deep trust comes from someone earning it for an apparent reason. And losing it means a much harder return to normal. Actually, almost impossible.

All I wish for is Hurricane Personal Tragedy to be behind me.

Mind Games

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Nobody ever says that, that those who fear falling in love have this tendency to be more affectionate and nurturing and gentle lovers. It’s not the fear of “falling in love” that they’re actually afraid of but the fear of “being in love.” The fear of being somewhere they’ve always wanted and the fear of not being worthy enough of it.
Juansen Dizon – Philophobia

 

I was the golden warrior.

Found my place, made my name.

I chose you.

You were deemed worthy.

But then you pulled away.

Stayed but let me wonder.

Who am I now without you really there?

Felt shaken, unsure.

Forced me to beg.

I wasn’t sure anymore if I was desirable.

Constant questioning.

How could you do this?

I trusted you to love me whole.

Honor and love me forever.

This is how you respect me?

I let you in believing I was worth so much to you.

But in the end, only you mattered.

Hot Again, Not Again

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love hot
then awry
smooth and gellin
then rage and yellin
deep expressions of amore
trampled hurt feelings are telling
of the up, down, left, right, inside and out
this relationship changes at a fever pitch from good to bad and back

let me get off this ride

 

 

Dead On Arrival

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It
took you
way too long
to trust me when
I was already
all wound up in this love.
Your willingness to provide
me with security, comfort,
and peace appeared incredibly late.
Now, all you’re doing is playing catch-up.
Now, all I’m doing – losing interest.
The flame, once bright, shines so much less now.
The feelings of desire have peaked.
Thinking about our future.
Where do we go from here?
Turning away now.
Letting go now.
Goodbye then.
It’s too
late.

I’m Meant For Others

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Monica Silva

you may not like my style
that’s your right
who I am
serves me well enough

your critique
does not
decide my fate
life goes on without you

deaf ears
small minds
little hearts
not my tribe

how I feel
what I say
when I project
it’s all reserved for those who care

 

Your Toy

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This is your game.
You created the rules.
I just follow them.

I gave up my drive,
and my autonomy
to allow you to direct me.

Decision made for a life given up.
It’s insane.
Who chooses that? I did.

Why?

Scared to be alone,
frightened to live,
hard to find my way.

I let you.
You owned me.
You don’t care.

Fuck me