Self-repair is an arduous task, isn’t it?

how? by Breaking the Silence

I hope for a change as I age 
lost in my hopes I’ve given all control 
to randomness of life and people I don’t like 
I could claim it now 
it’s true that we have the power to change our lives 
but I feel so weak and I don’t know how…. 

The Heat of Chaos by Fire & Female

I am not okay. 
I am a total mess 
back on the floor of 
a home that has been 
drenched in lighter fluid 
and intentionally set on fire. 
The walls are hot with flame, 
the linoleum is melting under me, 
but I remain curled up on the floor. 
I want to cry out from the pain 
as my skin is singed with 
empty promises and 
violent threats and 
touch I did not authorize, 
but the heat of chaos dries my eyes 
and tells me I cannot cry here. 
I watch as my safe space disintegrates, 
crying out for someone to just 
come and fucking rescue me. 
I am not okay. 
I am suffocating under the weight of 
beams of complex trauma and 
posts of vicious assault and 
cement blocks of violation. 
My voice is too tiny to hear, 
or maybe no one fucking cares, 
so I curl up tighter in my place, 
allow the inferno to engulf me; 
a reminder no matter how hard 
I try to extinguish the fire, 
I will always go up in flames.