The Competition Is Over

Published on by Susi Bocks

Redux

Deviant Art

I want to thank my friend Chuck for reblogging some of my much earlier thoughts from my old blog – PhiloSusi. This piece from 2015 highlighted how far I’ve come since those years of my childhood but also what followed in the lessons I learned. I’m glad I went back and reread it. It reminds me how much my world has gotten better. With slight revisions, I hope you enjoy it.

~~~

When I look in the mirror now, I see the beauty within and on the surface of the creation, which was initially out of my hands.

It wasn’t always that way.

“You’re so fat.”
“Can’t you be smarter?”
“Just stop, I’ll do it. You’re doing it wrong!”
“You’re not good enough!”
“Why can’t you do better?”
“Only angry people are crazy!”
“No one will want to date you.”
“You’re so stupid!”
“Can’t you do anything right?”

The words were repeated often enough and fell easily into my psyche, stuck there for a long time.

I never realized when I was younger it was a sick and twisted game initiated by someone who was supposed to just love me. I didn’t know how to maneuver a win against someone I looked up to. The person who made me feel low and afraid to achieve had an agenda which my tender years didn’t understand. I was competition, which elevated her every time she uttered one of those statements. She, being the winner every time. Me, the loser.

Or so I thought.

Today I’m filled with confidence in my being, a fierce determination to exist exactly the way I want to be, have an appreciation for myself that was non-existent before, and hold the firm position that I am just right. My body image was extremely poor, and to this day, I don’t think I see what others do, but I’m probably three-quarters of the way there to loving my body exactly as it is.

I don’t need to compete with the ghost anymore. Who I am and how I look was already winning.

29 thoughts on “The Competition Is Over”

  1. Pingback: The Competition Is Over – Nelsapy

  9. How I love this line Susi, “Who I am and how I look was already winning.”.
    Isn’t it funny that we always look at the world for validation than looking within. Yet, as simple as it may sound it isn’t to begin with. And at the same time when we stop asking the world for validation, seek within and love ourselves life becomes so much more beautiful 🙂

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    1. Glad you liked it, one of my favorites too. Yes, you are correct. I think part of it is being raised in a household that “taught” outside approval was important. It took many years to get over that training. 🙂

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      1. I feel that most people, when younger have issues with their self image and it’s only when they are in their 30’s of 40’s that they start to realize that they are good as they are.

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