Falling From The Tree – Part 1

A random thought flitted across my brain. And I wondered why it would come up after all these years, especially while I’m cooking dinner—no rhyme or reason for it even to surface. My sister and I were teenagers then, and I’m an old woman now. Random and bizarre. Brains are so peculiar.

As I was peeling potatoes, I recalled my sister had slept with my boyfriend—such a juvenile move on her part, I thought. Just because we had broken up didn’t give her license to bed him. But what should I have expected from her when she didn’t have the most couth in the world. Plus, she hated me so much when we were younger; I guess this was like a feather in her cap to get back at me. Paybacks for when I punched her or any number of things I had done to her previously?

Having moved on years ago, it made no sense this part of my past surfaced. It’s not like I even have any allegiance to the boy/man anymore. That relationship eventually reconciled, and we even got married and had a child too. But I don’t have any residual thoughts or feelings, good or bad about it now at this stage in my life. Another husband and another child later, I’m so over my first baby-daddy.

But then I consider how my sister and I grew up; I shouldn’t be surprised at all she did what she did. It’s not like we had any good role models. She wasn’t the only immature one in that family. I did a whole lot of crazy things myself. Certainly wasn’t proud of it, upon reflection, but could definitely understand us becoming dysfunctional human beings after the background we both endured.

My mom, the narcissistic, mentally challenged, and often hysterical woman, didn’t offer us much hope of getting a proper upbringing. Sure, we had food in our bellies, clothes on our backs, and a roof over our heads. We weren’t growing up in the Ritz, money was tight at times, but we weren’t desperately poor either. What was lacking was sanity. It could become chaotic at any given moment. And you never fully knew where you stood in your relationship with her. Tip-toeing and caution were traits I learned early on. It always felt like my mom did her best to fill our lives with dysfunction, head games, and uncertainty. It was disgraceful if you were a witness to it. Why would a mother, of all people, behave in these ways? All her antics managed to produce was so much vying for her unstable attention so you wouldn’t be her target. That was it. Add to that the continual negativity and criticism, it took its toll on our psyches. After all these years, I still ask myself why my sister and I didn’t band together to become allies rather than become the enemies we are now, and not speaking with one another for quite some time. Emotional abuse and manipulation certainly took its toll on us. I guess I shouldn’t wonder and realize it makes perfect sense of why we don’t have a relationship today. Having a mature connection was impossible to nurture in the environment that we got exposed to and survived. Quite sad, but like I mentioned, we survived.


31 thoughts on “Falling From The Tree – Part 1

  1. Excellent pic to open. Lilith as the serpent in the Garden on the left having snuck back into the Garden as a serpent handing Eve the Apple to Birth consciousness… which Lilith had already done uttering the ineffable name. Lilith gets a bad wrap, and I wonder if a solid amount of a good deal of the trauma you express comes from neither of you being set up for success in a similar fashion… not by Lilith… by bs patriarchy. Lilith only birthed demons after she was demonized. Before that? Made from the same clay Adam was, SHE Birth of Consciousness when she uttered the ineffable to stand up for herself. Adam inhabited the Garden, donated a rib to create a submissive and complicit Eve. Lilith? She’s the rock star in the story. The pre-story to the one we’re told. Girl Power? FABOT. Lilith Power more like. We need to take that back and stop quarreling about deserving equal rights. Equal rights? Lilith AUTHORED that concept and discussion. Born equally valuable? Yes. Let’s bring back Lilith minus the propaganda shall we?

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    1. No, I wouldn’t call it the patriarchy gone bad, more like the mother was unfit. Thanks for your comments, Jordan. I wonder though if Lilith would have been given notoriety, then could women have been controlled so well? Probably not.


      1. Full-on understood on the unfit mother. I think Lilith actually WAS given notoriety, as in her being notorious. I agree with your sentiment, and pardon the word semantics (often simply some antics), and do feel if she would have been celebrated, the Divine Feminine wouldn’t have been cleaved off. I mean gawd forbid we have cleavage in the pulpit, right? That cleave way back when is one of the most unfortunate tragedies. I’d say in the Now of then when it occurred it was an outrage.

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      2. In that respect, I think you’re right, Jordan. But bad publicity only gets you so far! But yet, I also wonder how our mindsets would be if some of history had been rewritten.

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      3. That’s what I’m saying, Susi. Lilith wasn’t in the wrong. She was demonized for speaking up. Yes, any press is good press, and bad publicity only gets you so far. Agreed on that. I’m no longer concerned about re-writing history. That’s been done since the dawn of time. I’m looking for more of the David in the Michelangelo marble of Self so to speak… which applies to everyone.

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      4. I rather like my perspective as I re-write history all the time. It’s most often written by the winners, so there’s the 1st thing that indicates to take it with a grain of salt. Then, look at limitations. I have a 1951 set of encyclopedias. For Nepal, it says “A faraway place.” If something doesn’t feel right, I’m fluid, though definitely do not go with the flow as that’s what dead fish do. I simply inspect and cross-check my expectations to see if I am just swimming in a blind spot of what supposed to or was told to believe.
        And yes, if history had been rewritten, our general assumptions in situ would be different. Or, written differently. Plus, there’s the issue of people teaching things from poor translations, skewing the core concepts, and that leads people off Just as much as history that has been cleaved of key players.

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