Victories

Published on by Susi Bocks
230
Ash D. Solomon – Lucid Being

finally tasting
what it means to be proud
of myself
it took too many years
for me to be free
from the contempt
the shame
your shame
forced on me
always making me feel smaller
than you were
knocking me down
me losing my identity
giving up my right to believe in myself

what a horrible mother you were
damn you

treading water
for years
wasted years
of frustration and tears
pushing hard
to break barriers
and maintain
sure would have been easier
knowing my value

you were supposed to be on my side
damn you

did it without you
lived an honorable, scarred life
healed all the wounds
inside and out
ups and downs
gains with each effort
failure was not
an option
because

you weren’t ever my safety net
damn you

me
now
so much better than what was
my time has come
achieving my greatness
feeling good in my skin
owning the center
whole, and comprehending peace
it raises me above your pettiness
and your disgusting competition
finally

damn girl, 
so proud of you

42 thoughts on “Victories”

    1. I’m glad that you connected with the piece but these also leave me melancholy for the readers. Even if the message is one of strength and accomplishment. If it resonates because of personal experience, I feel like hugs are in order! ❤

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  7. I would really this but my mother would read it. Needless to say, this made me cry. In a good way. You gave the courage I do not yet possess. I’m so moved by this. It is incredibly powerful. What strikes me is how unnecessary it is. No mother need hate and treat their daughter this way. Despite everything I still don’t understand it. If I’d had a daughter I know I would never have been this way. There really is no excuse big enough. When you say through the scars it was as if I were walking with you. Every year of my life my mother has made me feel less than. Maybe j shouldn’t have given her permission but she’s my mother and I will always love her though she has been er loved me. It has fucked Me up immeasurably but also made me survive it. I often wonder what I would have been capable of if I hadn’t been put down every day of my life and told I had no worth. But then maybe I wouldn’t have had empathy. I like myself more than the woman she is. I can say that. And I can say I don’t go around hurting others. But I do wish women didn’t have to be so awful because if we were good to each other can you imagine? What an incredible piece of work Susi. I take my hat off to you.

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    1. ❤ I'm sorry that it made you cry! I hope the courage you also felt helps you to console that weeping, tender part of you. You are so right that we deserved better, all children deserve better. I would say to you that you didn't give her permission since you didn't what you were giving in to. So please, don't beat yourself up about that. We were children, and therefore blameless of what we had to endure! I like how you put it about who you are. I too feel like I owe her a bit of gratitude. She helped make the person who I'm happy to be! Thank you for your thoughts, Candice! ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Thank you, Hélène! I’ve found my strength. I admit it took me many years of hardship and doubt but the lessons were therefore more powerful for me. I had no choice but to go in the direction of what would save me. ❤

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