Privileged

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I shed my layers of hardness.
The best and the worst of me exposed.
Laid bare all my unspoken evils.
I trusted you’d see me as sane.

My heart wrapped around yours for safe keeping.
Pleasure replaced agony.
Excitement replaced fear.
Love embodied our present.

Am I privileged or are you?

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Maybe

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The gift of time, effort, and quality is love.
Intimate sincerity landing softly in the heart.

I’m not receiving what you think you’re giving.

Maybe you don’t understand what love is?
Maybe I don’t know how to receive it?
Maybe I expect too much?
Maybe you don’t give enough?

Maybe I was wrong?

Loud

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kept down
held back
filled with fear
and rage 

despair at every turn
me, an unwilling victim
blockades to stop me
turbulence swirling me about

My history embedded a lack of power in me.
Years of criticism, critique, and disgust took its toll.
Thick layers of neglect crusted over on this shell of me.
Defeated, ignored, and scared.

But I dared to feel more important than what the day rolled out.
I fought to experience life exquisitely, with the volume on high.
Determined to engage with this existence full of substance and force.
I clutched myself hard and pushed forward to lean loudly into my future.

Not gonna hide from it anymore.

Three Little Words

Don’t say

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but rather…

soothe an ache
hold my hand
watch me sleep
rub my back
make me laugh
be with me
talk to me
play with me
dry my tears
keep me warm
listen to me
don’t be arrogant
kiss my lips
really know me
get me soup
touch without expectation
ease my sorrow
hug my soul
cry with me
dance with me
please be vulnerable
make eye contact
forgive my failings
care for yourself
sex me right
cook us dinner
walk with me
don’t lie, ever
read to me
hold me close
silence my demons
reach into me
never leave me

Kin

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We were damaged early on.
Thanks, Mutti.

Years of pretense.
A lifetime of living with it.

But the truth came out.
You didn’t like me.

That part didn’t hurt.
It’s that you didn’t even want to.

I was good enough to borrow money from though.
Just not appreciated enough to give me the truth.

Family, my ass.